tears of hope and tearing down

today I called into a free teleseminar offered by Britt of In Arms Coaching- about 3 tools for overcoming overwhelm. 
I cried the whole hour long call.  She just kept describing exactly where I am at, and what I'm feeling right now.
I keep saying I need a life reboot- and make jokes about buying one on credit at Best Buy.  But, maybe what i need is a life coach?  Not that I have money for this sort of thing, but...its been agreed upon by many parties in my life that i need some help, something I can't do by myself.  I can take herbs all day long and feel somewhat better, but i'm still miserable with what i'm doing, my life in general.
Even though it appears I have everything I ever wanted- or thought I wanted...i'm miserable.  So maybe this isn't really what I want?  Or maybe it is, but I'm just sabatoging my own happiness?



I mean, I know I have issues.  They are all too apparent to me right now- I just don't know how to resolve them...I mean I've been playing these  mind games with myself since I was a pre-teen.
The story that i always get one-upped, usurped, outdone, outshone, and second placed in whatever it is I want to do by someone I love.  over and over and over.  So I quit, change focus, and it happens all over again.

Never feeling adequate, good enough, unique enough or getting enough credit.  And never getting started on things if I can't be PERFECT NOW.

The pervasive fear of never having enough money, and never being comfortable and never breaking out of the poverty mindset.

The self effacing taking the blame for everything that could ever go wrong in life, relationship, or work.

The need for constant approval, recognition, pats on the back, compliments- instead of just doing what I want because I like it, and giving myself credit.

The constant worry that I'm going to fail, well that, and the constant worry.  About everything under the sun...imaging the worst possible scenario in all cases.

The unbearable paralyzing social anxiety that prevents me from meeting new people, having friends, making connections, making simple phone calls to people with whom I'd like to connect and spend time with.

The stifling and stuffing and bottling up of my feelings- refusing to share, open up, ask for help. Or even write in down in a journal- because writing it down means admitting it, and once you admit it, you have to do something about it.

the list could go on and on with all the ways I hate myself for doing these things...there I admitted it. In writing.

Well tomorrow I'm going to take advantage of the free 40 min session with Britt, and find out if this is something that might help me "reboot" my life into something that makes me more satisfied and happy.  I'm just terrified that I won't be able to actually DO the work necessary to make it all happen.  I'll get scared, run away, quit, or...

I'm also afraid of just being a blubbery emotional mess in front of a stranger. 

A Time when I was happy- barefoot in river miles from anywhere.

Will it never end?

Its snowing....AGAIN!  Not just a pittance either. Winter storm warning till this evening.  There are tiny flakes and big fluffy ones falling.  Already at least a couple of inches. 
There go my plans for going to town...to the bank, to the store, the post office- errands that keep getting put off because I live so far away from everything.  I know i have snow tires, but why tempt fate to drive in a snow storm for minor tasks.

I brewed some ethiopian style spiced coffee...I still can't force myself out of bed at 6.  I almost did, but then rather wanted to go back unconscious dreaming.

The snow also means the friend who was going to visit probably won't.  :(

YUCK.
I guess I'll make herbal chicken soup instead.



 

the empty vat of tea

I guess its probably a good sign when the two gallons of herbal infusion you made for students is totally empty after the weekend learning.  And a healthy mess in the kitchen.
It felt good to teach, to share, to be with other PEOPLE.  It feels good NOT to be on Facebook.  Still it requires a discipline I seem to have lost in my life. 
Maybe that is all I'm missing?  Discipline?  Structure....
Talking about constitutions this weekend reminded me of my lazy kapha tendencies..and that structure helps me a lot.  So does movement.  I get so mired in the cold, stagnant mud of my kapha-ness....its winter, to be expected I suppose.  Drink more chai.  More birch.  More nettle and ginger.  More yoga.

I keep intending, and keep not doing it, but every night I set my alarm for 6 am, with the intention of getting up for some yoga.  It might be cold and inhospitable outside, but I really have no more excuses for not doing it.  Excepting the few weeks of sickness...I'm not sick anymore. 

Felt so good to have people around, the community of sharing with other folks and like minded souls making their way in this world in a way that isn't the same old rat race, farmers, tea makers, animal tenders, shamanesses. 



We journeyed to Wild Cherry last night, beating the drum- felt that soul stirring vibration in my bones when I play.  Why aren't I playing more often?  Cherry tree medicine- I lost my heart.  I think I left it on the rocks of the desert mountains- how can one be whole without ones heart?  I carried away a bloody beating heart in a bag.  Must retrieve "heart".  Good thing hawthorn is my plant ally this year...thinking cherry has some help for me as well.

writing this all out makes me cry.  I'm so good at bottling up my feelings.  I should sell it like a soda.  its good to write, good to share, know that humans feel pain and sadness just as I do. I am not alone, but easy to feel like i am...

Everyone keeps telling me to go outside.   Why can't I get motivated to go outside?  I always just feel so overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do, that I can't justify 20 min, 30 min, an hour to myself?  I worked all weekend, and here I am feeling guilty that I"m' not working. 

Caring for others

Students are coming today.Eager minds ready to absorb all they can about herbs and healing.  I made them a giant pot of nettle tulsi rose and lemongrass infusion.  Not sure I have much to say to them educationally.  I mean, i dont use or understand tissue states, i'm not good with tounges, or pulses.
I'm good at herb walks and talking about plants.  Can't do much of that when they are all covered up by 5 ft of snow.  still why should i bother- students can go to the greats of maine- gail faith edwards, who hates me anyway, and deb soule.  or even arthur haines.  they all know more about maine plants anyway.  

Why is it so much easier to do these things for someone else than for oneself?  
At least half the days I make an infusion- nettles and raspberry and things.

really i mostly just want to go back to bed.  The sun is back out, but the wind is howling gale forces again.  I wondered if the house would blow away and take me to Oz last night. 

We took the tree out for the birds to live in. Then the wind blew it into a snow drift.  Mostly buried now. 

The driveway is a hazard of ice sheets top to bottom. 
Waiting for spring to hurry.

the day starts off...

I can't seem to wake up when I want to.  I intend to wake up at 6, thinking getting up and out of bed would be better for me than sleeping, but didn't sleep well, and slept till 10 instead.   I guess I'd rather stay in dreams than deal with reality.  Reality Bites.

can't seem to get moving.  have so much to do, prep for students coming tomorrow, consutlations to complete. 
always fucking waiting on something.  Still waiting to take the tree out from Yule.  Its mostly a pile of dried needles on the floor.  Its depressing.  So are the dead rosemary plants in the window. 

Dead plants are bad feng shui.  Maybe i just need a spring cleaning.  I never have time to keep up with cleaning the house. I hate how messy it is all the time.   I clean one room and the rest gets dirtier.  i'm so unorganized.    Its practically noon and I've done absolutely no work. Nada. No i take that back it IS noon, and i've done nothing.  Way to go. 

But the day starts off - OKAY- not great, I'm not jumping for joy or anything, the snow is coming down hard.  I suppose in one way its nice.  but mostly i'm tired of snow and ice and cold.  I'm tired of being stuck inside. i hate driving in it.  Sean took my car to town because it has snow tires.  

Making some oolong tea for a new batch of kombucha.  Having some green tea and roses- and had bacon for breakfast.  I even took a B vitamin ...I guess better than nothing.

I was thinking yesterday  I should start off every day with a list...of things I need to work on.  My mom did this when i was growing up.  maybe she still does.  Lists help me feel accomplished and organized.  At least when i can cross off SOMETHING i feel better.  But the unnamed mass of things i need to do is daunting and scary and overwhelming.   

Why did i think it would be good to work for myself?  I have so little work ethic and organizational skill.  I was much better at working when I had specific jobs laid out before me and a fire under my ass to get shit done because otherwise things would fall apart.  I used to be important. I used to make things WORK when I had a job. People could depend on me to get shit done.  Why don't I get shit done at home?

when everything isn't enough

and you can't live with the mistakes you've made.  
I should be happy, thrilled, excited, vibrant- my life seems to be exactly where I had dreamed of it being  a year or two ago. Instead- i'm miserable, angry, lashing out, sleeping away the hours as much as I can, crying, guilty.

I have no idea why I'm so depressed. Its going to snow storm- again. fuck. I can't stand any more snow.  Any more winter, any more cold.  Stagnant stuckness.  i miss the winter in arizona.  I miss growing 3 ft tall greens in the winter garden.  I miss the blossoms of spring-little anemone's poking their heads out shyly underneath the rocks.  Now I can barely walk out the yard, up to my hips when i take out the compost.  Not to mention the frigid wind- that howls all the time. Below zero windchill every day.

I'm so desperately lonely out here in the boonies.  Maybe I"m not cut out for the boonies after all...I feel like such an alien in maine. I dont know anyone, I dont belong, I dont know how to function here. I have no friends, no support, no community.

I've made so many decisions i can't go back and change.  did i make the right choices?  can i live with the results.

I feel so crazy, out of control, and somehow not really caring.  I've never felt this bad, at least as far as I can remember. Never for this long.  Its been at least a couple of months now.
I'm so tired of struggling with life,with not enough money,  so tired of working.
I feel so inefficient and unable to get work done, everyday i think I'm going to try to work- and then i melt down and there goes the day...maybe i'm broken,  maybe i need prozac?

I'm not looking for advice, or pity, nor do i want you to tell me which herbs to take to feel better. I know all that shit.  problem is, I just don't really want to try.   I just want to go find a big hole to curl up in for the better part of the year.

I am so so sad.