Longing and procrastination

I've been procrastinating for two weeks.  One simple botany lesson. should be easy. I LIKE botany.  I don't like writing it, sitting on the computer to do it.  I'm soooooo distracted.  A million microdistrations turn my days into a useless puddle of wasted time.  Really do i NEED to spend hours agonizing over weather to get a smart phone or not...really. 

When this cycle of online classes is over, i REALLY have to rethink this online teaching thing. its dragging me down....i long for herb walks...

But mostly I'm longing for a lost love.  That crazy banjo player from the desert called me this week.  Such a bittersweet feeling of yearning... I've accepted that I'll always love and want him, and that I may never have it returned to me in the way I want...but I can't let it go... I'll still yearn and long until I die.
It is so easy to talk, to share, to feel- just as if no time had passed, no distance between us, no heartaches and disappointments. I could slip back into that crazy, passionate love affair in an instant.
  Its crazy...in my life I have few friends that I have had for more than a few years.  He is one of the few that has been around the longest in my life, in and out, now and then, coming and going, but its always the same easy conversation, the same fire I can't put out even when I TRY SO HARD to convince myself it is never going to be.  I tell myself to forget it. 
But I don't.    Maybe when we are 75, old and grey, we'll finally find the time and place to be together.  But even then, if not, I don't care. I want him in my life, as a friend, as a part time lover, or...whatever it may be, whatever I can get.

He told me he'd help me learn the play the banjo via Skype, and that he would like to come visit me here someday.  Someday I pray.  Sean said he wouldn't mind if he came to visit.  Its not like any of this is a secret I'm hiding.  There is no guilt. No 'cheating'.  love is indivisible, love is not exclusive/

Its enough to make me want to buy a plane ticket to Arizona for a few weeks, land on my rocky mountain tops, soak in the desert pine tree wind- and be home for a while, and hold him for a few days, if that's all I can have, I'd take it.  But its not practical right now.

Maybe in September when we head to the conference in NM there might be time for a side trip.  But I don't know.  Why am I hatching plans?
The first time he broke my heart, I swore I would love him until my dying day, but I never thought I'd see him again.  I moved away, lost touch.  But he appeared as if conjured by my dreams, and now, even though we're even farther apart than ever before, I know he'll always be in my life somehow.





  

Gaia's Gifts: April Giveaway: Artemis Elixir Tea and 20% off

Gaia's Gifts: April Giveaway: Artemis Elixir Tea and 20% off

and the winner is.....
Rachel of Aspiring Images!!!
(Rachel please contact me with your address so I can send you your tea and coupon!)


Congrats to the winner and stay tuned for a special Beltaine/May Day Giveaway next week!!!

Money talks....

What does it say to you?


 Here's my new money talk.  I need to try to distill this down into one money belief system....but so far, this is what I have.

When I do what I love the money flows to me effortlessly.
I attract abundant customers and clients to myself that honor, respect and meet my financial needs and desires.
When I do what I love and ask for what I need, I receive the money I need to feel secure, have enough to pay my bills, and to take care of my self care, needs and desires.
I enjoy the flow of money to me, through me, and from me.
There is abundant money in my life to support and grow my business, my home, my family, and myself.
I am open and willing to accept the abundance around me and for me in all forms that it comes.
All my needs and desires are met through many means- money, barter, trade, gift and cooperation
I trust that the universe is providing for me completely in all ways.
I release all debt and financial obligations from the past from influencing or controlling my current actions, beliefs, or abundance.
I deserve and allow myself to spend money on self care and self love.

Vision Statement 4/13/11

We do this work because it’s who we are as human beings…it’s our purpose and gift to the world to connect deeply and meaningfully with our inherent wildness within us, wild nature around us and the sacred, magical and beautiful earth, and use our power to create, express and manifest this connection in ways unique to humanity- through music and art and ceremony—we have beautiful and powerful ways of embodying that connection with wildness, with what is whole and sacred. This work makes us whole, sound, ecstatic, joyful and powerful, it heals and wholes us, and the entire sacred, wild Earth & creation around us.

Home sweet home....

Yesterday 3 families came to look at the house we are living in now to rent it from the landlady. It made me sad that we are leaving.  But I just dont' feel sure it is the right place...but?  Maybe it is I should have tried to find a way???
I am having a hard time discerning my depression and loneliness...is it because I'm so far away, or because of winter, or because of ....??   I am feeling somewhat better, taking steps to help myself, coaching has started with lots of material to begin with, lots of long buried and unspoken things brought out, both into conciousness and onto paper, and then taken the spirit world for more help, and healing.  Letting go of ancestral paradoxes, removing the cords that bind my souls to old patterns of the past, and transmuting it with the fire of the stars, and cleansing with the blue fire of the earth.

I felt the unnerving and powerful presence of an otherworld helper very viscerally last night.  (At this point, if you think I'm crazy, well I can't help that, this is my blog, and I'm going to say what I'm going to say.  My spirit work is important to me.)  There was no malice, no danger, but it was that unnerving feeling of someone watching you, someone close, someone in your energy field.  Heat and chills, racing heart.  And I've had this feeling before....when I walk in the woods, once when I was washing dishes.  They are there, making themselves known little by little. Fae ones, earth spirits, the good people.

Today we go look at an apartment in the basement of a house on 25 acres, on a river, greenhouses, raised beds, horses, cats and dogs.  but it is only one bedroom.  Not sure how to make one bedroom work for us, and how to carve out some personal space for myself.  I suppose it could be possible to get some partitions (rice paper or wood?) to block off an area to make it more private.  It will all depend.   If the kitchen is workable (unlike the last place), if it isn't a dungeon down in the basement.  The owners have had very good reviews from friends of Sean's who know them, and the location is good, near to lewiston/auburn, close to the farm where Sean's friend lives, close other other friends in the L/A area, much closer to Augusta, closer to Portland.  Much more proximal to client bases, marketing oppuruntities and community.  The Nezinscot farm where we love to get our locally raised organic grass fed meat, eggs, butter and produce is in the same village as well!! 
All in all on paper it sounds great...my only concern is the one bedroom and the basement.  I dont like to live in darkness...but maybe it is a good stopping place till we find our more long term home?  I hate moving over and over and over tho. I just want to stay somewhere.  Root. Root.Root.

I'm still waiting for my copy of Land of Painted Caves because the saturday mailman doesn't drive up to the house like the regular mail man.  GGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!   And...I have a banjo in the mail!  OMG!  A friend from school in Colorado had one she was willing to sell cheaply to me! I'm super stoked!!  Then I have to start practicing the claw hammer 'bum-ditty"!

A New Offering- Floralia Botanical Photography

After years and years of taking photographs of beautiful flowers and plants, both macro, botanical and artistic, I've decided to open a venue to share these photographs with the world.
FLORALIA

Floralia is both a tribute to the plant world in all their glory, a way to honor and appreciate the healing powers of the plants without harvesting leaf nor bud, and something I love dearly.  I've spent countless hours wandering deserts, forests, rivers, and valleys taking pictures of plants, and find that some of my deepest healing and connection with the plants comes in these times, seeing them through the artistic lens of the camera.
Some plants hide and don't take photographs well when they aren't ready, and others will shine forth brightly, practically begging to be photographed, and shot after shot will turn out perfectly composed.    I hope that you will find something beautiful that speaks to your wild and green heart at Floralia, and know that it supports me both in my work, and my pleasure.

Currently offering 8 x 10 prints of a select number of botanical photographs and photographic art (a photographic image that has been edited software to enhance and create something new and exciting- a revealing of the inner nature of the plant, the moment, or an emotion).

In the future I will be offering small sized prints, some larger sizes, note cards and more.  If you are looking for a specific plant or size photo please contact me. I have thousands of plants in photograph which I can print to order for you.
Here's a small taste of what you will find at Floralia.   
 Please stop by and check out everything I have to offer currently.  New pieces are added regularly!

is anyone out there?

Just wonder if anyone is reading this or if i'm writing to myself? 

Developments

Faery workshop this weekend was intense and beautiful and powerful.  Hard to know how to put into words exactly, but the effects were remarkable...improved my boundaries, sense of self, and powers of manifestation...

Started coaching, and made a fun collage with the things I want to bring into and have in my life.

Funny thing, is made the collage on Friday night sitting at a coffee house in Montpelier, VT, listening to live music.  Felt so good to be OUT and around people, doing soemthing!  Driving home sunday night after the Faery work, I just knew that music had to become a much bigger part of my life.  Soemthing I've been squelching for 15 years....and I happened to include a banjo on my collage.

So now it turns out I'm about to become the owner of a banjo, for a price that can't be beat!  Now I gotta make time for daily practice.  No excuses.

I can't really afford to be buying a banjo willy nilly, but neither can I afford to not have the life I want. I want to make music, and I want to be multi instrumented.  Going to TRY to keep up with guitar as well.  and my drums.  and sing, and write songs again.songs about trees, songs about wildness, songs about lost love....I've wanted to take up the banjo for a long time.  Banjo is sexy.  Maybe then I should be a dready head banjo pickin girl.

We looked at a house today, well an apt in a house, and boy have we been spoiled where we live now.  I'm trying not to panic about where we will move and how we will afford it, but this place we saw was kind of awful....
hoping for something much better to come along soon!  Still waiting for spring to arrive.
In the meantime.....
http://www.myspace.com/risingappalachia/music/songs/nikola-74412981

Till my dying day...

Laying in your arms

upon the bosom of the Earth, Mother

she cradled our bodies

locked in passionate embrace

She blew a cool breeze to stoke the fire

and made songs in the trees that whispered your name to me.

There in my heart you stayed

as I crawled within your loving space

the walls crumbled at our feet

we broke down the windows and the doors

till we fell into each other, complete.

Laying in Gaia's embrace.

-November 2005

It happens now and again....this love comes back to the front of my mind, my heart.  It never leaves really, but I put it aside at times.  Going on 6 yrs this love.  We were together once- I was too young, he was overwhelmed with lifes troubles.  We parted ways and I was devastated.  I tried to be angry, I tried hate.  But still inside I loved.

He came back into my life for a brief while, a beautiful manifestation of all the good I had seen in him all those years ago, and I became ablaze with this love reawakened,  but he told me again, it was not to be.  I told him it didn't matter, that I would love him always...I'd take my love to the grave.

The more time that passes I realize it is true.  I'll never stop loving this man.  Even though I know there is not much chance of there ever being "Us" in this life.  I know I'm a fool.  My heart doesn't care.  And every now again he visits my dreams, we reach out and touch each other through letters and phone calls for a few brief moments.  And my love burns still.  I know that I won't have what I crave, but if I could just hold him again, look into his eyes...what would I do for such a moment? 

images of our brief time shared together haunt my memories, and fill me with a longing ache for what might have, could have, should have been.  The song he sang to me late one night in a cabin in the woods, the kisses exchanged beneath a giant eucalyptus.  The mountaintop where we lay in each others arms listening to whispering songs in the pines.  The secret night we slept in each others arms, but did nothing more.

But life moves on, and carries us to places unknown- far from each other, far from the places we could have built together.  I love another, deeply and fully, and know that love is not limited.  the heart is big enough to love infinitely.  But the ache of longing runs deep.

He tells me I am one of the most important things that ever happened to him.  He was the first man to see and love "me".  The wild, dirty, earthy goddess I was becoming, even then.  We were lights to each other in dark times in our lives, with broken hearts we held each other for a while in this life.  I wish that could be enough.  But I'll take this unfulfilled love with me til my dying day.  I love you my Banjo Man.

the blackest crow

The Blackest Crow
(original lyrics)

Words & Music:
Traditional American

As time draws near, my dearest dear, when you and I must part,
What little you know of the grace and awe of my poor aching heart.
Each night I suffer for your sake, you're the one I love so dear;
I wish that I was going with you, or you were staying here.
I wish my breast was made of glass wherein you might behold
Oh there your name I's wrote, my dear, in letters made of gold.
Oh there your name I's wrote, my dear, believe me what I say,
You are the one I love the best until my dying day.
The crow that is so black, my love, will surely turn to white
If ever I prove false to you, bright day return to night.
Bright day return to night, my love, the elements will mourn.
If ever I prove false to you, the seas will rage and burn.
And when you're on some distant shore, think of your absent friend,
And when the wind blows high and clear, a line to me, pray send.
And when the wind blows high and clear, pray send a note to me,
That I might know by your handwrite how time has gone with thee.

More snow...

Just when I thought spring really was here....its snowing again.  8 inches snowing.
Please please stop snowing!!

The good news is I had my first coaching call this morning, which was moving, and enlightening.  Seems like I'm spending most of my time not doing anything at all related to what I want... I have a long way to go to where I want to be I guess.  But I'm glad I'm not trying to figure it out all on my own anymore.
I have a set of tools to use to ground and connect.  And someone who's rooting for me, and helping me figure out a plan.

And bonus is I can't fail!  Unless I do nothing.   This weeks assignment is a vision board, or something akin to that.  We've made a bulls eye view of what I want in my life, and my project is to turn it into a visual representation.  I'm thinking a photo collage.  But most photos I have access to are online.  which means more computer work.  :(
So, maybe there is another way to do this that would be more fun. I loved cutting and pasting magazine pictures in my younger days, but don't have access to a lot of magazines atm.

Medicine making season has begun.  I made the first harvest of birch twigs this spring- some to share with others, and some turned into medicine.   I have the CSA products almost ready to go (waiting on some items that weren't shipped in my bottle order to arrive!).  A dear student and friend sent me some amazing fresh desert herbs in the mail this week, including fresh white sage (salvia apiana) and creosote bush (larrea tridentata)  Both of which made their way into various forms of medicine- oils, tinctures and more.

I spent most of the weekend off, sadly because I had a bout of food poisoning that kept me in bed or on the toilet all day saturday, and spent sunday mostly recovering, but was able to go outside for a walk in the sunshine and melting snow.  Only thing i figure was the homemade mayo, since sean didn't eat that, and I did.  I guess it was too old??

But good old chamomile is helping a lot with the recovery.  And I'm eating normally, so I'm not too worried.
This weekend  is a long awaited class happening in VT with Orion Foxwood on the Faery Teachings and Tree of Enchantment.  I read his books this past summer, and they deeply spoke to me, and i've been looking forward to beginning to study with him in person for months! 

All in all, things looking UP, except for this silly snow.  Its that winter heaving, labor, birth...freeze thaw freeze thaw...but the birches have buds, and the populus tree buds are sticky. 

It's official

I've gone from zero to 60 in 3 seconds flat. No...not really.
 But i have gone from being in the blackest hole of depression ever in my short years, to raising money doing something I love, and signing on with a Life Coach, to help me figure out what I really want and how I can make it happen in about 3 weeks.  give or take.

I made my first payment to In Arms Coaching today, and got my welcome materials and have a coaching call scheduled almost every week of the upcoming 12 months!  I hope I can keep up!!

I'm just so tired of EVERYTHING feeling like a chore, of being broke, being lonely, working all the time, stressing out all the time, and really, not enjoying my life like I thought I would once I was an herbalist.

Funny all those 10 years ago, seeing myself in the future as an herbalist, seeing the kind of life I'd like to live...and here I am, but somehow it isn't what I thought. Or it isn't enough.  Or...something isn't right.

I keep running into issues, thoughts, ideas, roadblocks, mental mind games etc that I should make a list of to work on with my coach.  But even just having her around, and the few tools I've received already, has really gotten me to THINK about this stuff, and why I feel bad, and what I do that feels bad, and what feels good.

And, I said at dinner tonight, "Hey, I probably have some things to learn from someone who can get me to hand over a large sum of money each month for her services."  I mean I constantly live in the land of lack.  there is never enough money for things i want, business supplies, the kind of food I want to eat, etc etc...but somehow she inspired me to find a way to come up with a bunch of money, in a hurry.  So, yes, there is something to learn here.

I'm really excited for our first call next monday, and I'm also really excited to listen to her free teleseminar on Boundaries for Women in april, since I KNOW my boundaries are really sucking lately.


On another note, I got a wonderful, giant box of one of my favorite plants from the desert in the mail, Larrea tridentata, or Creosote bush, from a sweet and wonderful student. It was like getting a piece of home in the mail.  I put up 1/2 gallon of oil, and still have LOTS leftover for tincturing and drying. 

Sometime soon, I'm going to harvest birch twigs.  But this weekend students are coming to the house to learn about digestion and immunity, and I'm not really prepared at all.  Tomorrow is a St Patty's Day adventure with some friends, involving Corned Beef, and Gluten free cake baking.

1 step forward, 2 steps back

Wow, I had a great weekend, making products, took Sunday off, all to myself, no computer, no work.  Had a Thai Yoga massage and a wonderful visit and conversation with a friend.  Felt all ready for the week.
 Finalized my coaching plan this morning at 9 after waking up 3 hours later than I wanted to. 
Didn't do yoga, didnt shower, didnt make a list....
didn't get anywhere focused.
I went outside to gather poplar buds.  It's time.  Its above freezing- way above freezing, for several days now, the snow melting off the roof sounds like rain.  And the sap is starting to run.  So, I decided to go out and collect.  Cause no matter what else the plants don't really wait for a convienent time to be ready to be harvested.  But somehow I've found, I can't let myself believe that going outside for a walk in the sun, and collecting medicine plants is work. 

I know it is something I need to do, to get clients medicine, and make products, but yet, its not allowed to be work.  Only thing I allow to be work is sitting on the computer writing lessons.  or something. i hate it.  I despise it. 

I guess this means I need to do less work that is on the computer and more work outside and making herbal goodies.  That would mean no teaching online.  WHich is really the only way i've ever made any money at being an herbalist. 
It is just so tedious. I constantly feel guilty, and like I haven't done enough, and that people are going to stop paying me, because I suck.    Not a good place to be. Not a good cycle.  And i'm pretty much roped into at least another 6 months that I've committed to a set of students. 

ugh...so here i am, feeling shitty that my march lessons are almost 3 weeks late, i didn't get any "work' done, and it's 3 o clock already. The house is sty.  The dishes piled high.  (Go away for one day and the dishes overtake the world. )

Things look better, then they look like a pit of despair all over again.
I have NO IDEA how I"m going to be able to get put together enough to both find a place to live, and pack all the stuff, and move it somewhere.  I should start now. Really.

But at least the sun is shining, and the snow is finally starting to melt, and Sean brought me home a pot of pretty purple tulips to bring spring inside.  and some blueberry lavender chocolate.  I have the windows open...

Chiaroscuro

How is it possible that one 24 hr period can contain so much love, and joy and blessing and gratitude, and yet also sadness, devastation, fear and negativity?
Its overwhelming. I just want some peace.

The herbal CSA idea was a total hit.  I had no idea it would be so well recieved and that so many people would want to contribute to my personal well being.  I"m deeply touched, honored and full of gratitude.  The idea was simple, really, and came to me in a random moment  this weekend.  It took me only a few days to figure out if it could work financially, and research the details I needed to make it work, but I"m flabbergasted reallyl, how many people not only wanted to get the herbal products I"m offering, but just be of support to me in this time where I'm feeling so discouraged, disheartened, lonely, afraid.  But I'm also deeply sad- that so many people care and like what I do...but yet, i Can't see it. I can't feel it. I feel unworthy, unloved, under appreciated and second rate.  Why do I have mud colored glasses on???

Its such a good idea that I hope I can incorporate it further into my life to bring in income and offer people things they want and need.  Just need to make it financially viable.and not stress myself out in the process of getting products ready.

But on the other hand, had a fight in the middle of the night, I slept for shit.  My undeniable issues of self worth and self esteem come to a nasty festering head reapeatedly.  This time, just looking over the proclaimed and wonderful Plant Healer magazine.  All I can see through these damn mud colored glasses is how inadequate I think of myself as an herbalist, how i can't even compare with anyone in that magazine, and how I couldn't even attempt to write something so thorough, detailed, complete, esoteric and refined.   I feel simple-minded comparatively.   I used to write, I used to LIKE to write.  Now it just feels like tedium and boredom.  I have no patience for it. so why the hell do i even care? 

I like making teas and tinctures - i should do what i LIKE.  But somehow that isn't enough for me, i can't compare or get the credit i seem to think I lack if I don't do what all the other kids do.   Am I still really just trying to fit in the way i struggled for so many years as a child?  Trying to get the right Guess Jeans to be invited to sit at the popular table?  And when I dump my  lunch tray of ketchup and fries on my lap looking like a fool, I go cower in the bathroom until the end of the day? 

Why this insatiable drive and need to fit in, be accepted, be praised?  WHY is it that the huge amount of support and compliments I got by starting this CSA project to fund my coaching with Britt doesn't even make a dent in this perceived lack?

It's also come to our attention, without any more ado, that we're probably going to have to move away from this 100 acre farm we've lived on all winter.  Now that is a mixed bag.  I was already having my doubts about it being the right place for me.  Being so far away and isolated from community and action, not having any clients.  But the owner wants 350 more dollars a month. I'd have to start a whole second CSA to fund just the rent/utilities,  and it still gets me no closer to paying off the HUGE amount of debt hanging over my head.  But I'm so sad, because there are SOO many beautiful amazing plants on this land that I was SOOOO looking forward to spending the growing season with.  And space for a garden.  Which now, who knows if that will be something I'm able to do where ever we end up....its like WHAM, take THAT!    I'll probably never swim in the river.  Or see the hawthorn bloom, or pick red clover.

Maybe it was all too good to be true anyway.  I mean what an amazing place to land, for not much money, but I'm so tired of moving.  
I just want to find a home.  Land to connect to, familiar trees, rocks, and the same place to sit every day with the world in its wild ways.  I am so HOMESICK.  Maybe for the land I used to call home in the SW.  The old oak tree who sheltered me in her shade for years.  The Giant Walnut who invited me to pass hours in his branches, and collect fruits of plenty each fall.  The long string of elders and cottonwoods that beackoned every spring, and the singing rock, and the place where I laid my aching heart on the earth under pine trees on top of the mountain,  and awoke to find millions of lady bugs at eye level. 

But really i think it is homesick for LANDEDNESS, for feeling a part of the environment.  Winter makes that difficult for me, in more ways than one, but also continually moving around doesn't make that easy either.  I need home, community, rootedness, heart and a damn good new pair of rose colored glasses...or at least some way to clean the mud off the ones that dull my vision from day to day.

i've also gotten completely sidetracked from my plan of discipline to get up, take time for me in the morning, make a list and get organized and work.  I ended up spending more time on facebook than I intended to make the CSA thing happen, and it lured me in with its tricky grasp way too easily. I got ZERO work done today.  Didn't take a moment of time for me.  Now the day is gone.  I'd almost say wasted, if it weren't for the fact of the huge success of the CSA and my excitement that I get to work with Britt /In Arms Coaching in the coming months. 

An Herbal CSA- Asking for help from my friends and community

I am writing today to ask for some support from my friends and community. As some of you may know I've been dealing with a lot of sadness, frustration, inability to work effectively and general motivational blahs. Seems like months now. All my loved ones have concurred that I need to find help to handle what is seemingly overwhelming and too big for me alone, and I've found something that I think will change my life, and the way I live it, and I'm so excited. But it isn't cheap.

I've spent some time talking with Britt at In Arms Coaching over the last few weeks and participated in her seminar Overcoming Overwhelm: 3 Tools for Women. Just the few short sessions I've had with her have been remarkably helpful in getting me out of a really deep funk and helped me to find ways to become more grounded and less overwhelmed by the daily to do list.

Anyway, I really need to continue working with her in her coaching program, and I need to come up with 300$ extra dollars a month to afford this.  So I've hatched a plan.  An herbal CSA.

I'm looking for 12-15 generous and committed souls, friends, customers and family members who would be willing to donate $25 dollars a month, for 12 months.  In return for your huge generosity and love, I would send you a full sized herbal product or two each month.  This will include tinctures, elixirs, vinegars, syrups,  teas, salves, creams or anything else special and seasonal that I dream up for you.

Some of the products could include:
NettleBerry Vinegar
Birch elixir
St Johns Wort Oil
Elderberry Syrup
Pine sap salve
Dream tea
Faery Nectar Tea
Herbal Chai
Elderflower Elixir
Herbal Healing Salve
St John's Wort Tincture
Calendula Cream
and much more!

The price of the donation, which is a subscription through paypal, includes the product, and shipping, plus enough extra for me to pay my monthly coaching payment.

I hope to start coaching right away, and am ready to send you your first product at the end of March!

If you would be willing to support me in making Life Coaching from In Arms Coaching a reality, and getting super high quality  handcrafted, wildcrafted and effective herbal medicines and products in return, please let me know right away, or you can subscribe immediately by using the paypal button below.

This subscription will be automatically paid each month via paypal. If you want to make other arrangements please e mail me at shamana.flora@gmail.com.

Thank you so much for helping me to make coaching with Britt a reality, so that I can better help myself create the life I want, that brings me happiness, fulfillment, and even better herbal offerings to all of you.

Darcey Blue

Song of the Travelling Daughter

Please ignore the silly anime cartoon.  It's the song I'm after.  This is what I want my life to sound like.



World sits outside the door
Men wai you ge shijie

A voice in your heart is calling
Xinzhong you ge shengyin

The ends of the world await
Sifang jiu deng ni lai

Traveling daughter
Younu

Feel the sunshine on your face
Lianshang gandao taiyang

Starlight guides your feet
Jiaobu suizhao xingguang

Earth and Sky will carry you
Tiandi zai ni zouyou

Journey after journey
Zoule yi shan you yi shan

One mountain to the next
Zhe shan guole ne shan lai

Voice in your heart is calling
Xinzhong you ge shengyin

High hopes

I did have such high hopes for a productive weekend, but it doesn't seem to be going that way.  Earlier this week I got a little notebook and decorated it with birch bark.  This is my list notebook.  it sounds OCD
but i think if i can lay out exactly what I need/want to do, what my priorities are each day, and cross things off, I will feel more productive, accomplished and organized, and less overwhelmed and like I havne't gotten anything accomplished.  So far it seems to work. 
Except when I don't cross anything off the days list. Lke yesterday. I went outside because it was sunny- and the rest of this weekend is gloomy and raining.  But not snowing (at least not yet).  So I spent several hours snow shoeing with Trill, taking pictures, checking out plants that are mostly still fast asleep in the cold of winter.  When I cam back in, I couldn't focus, I couldn't get started on anything. 
I skipped dinner, and then went to bed at about 8:30. 
This morning I didn't get out of bed till 11:30.  This is unheard of.  I'm always the early riser....
I had some soup for breakfast, chicken, leek and pumpkin soup that was in the freezer.  Had some coffee, and havne't done my yoga or showered.  I've been fucking around on the computer all morning, and working on responding to students.

Not all together unworthy, but thats not that pattern I want in my day. I want morning ritual, grounding time ( as Britt mentioned in her Overcoming Overwhelm Teleconference.  (She's offering another on Boundaries for Women.   Check it out!)  Time to deliniate ME time and work time.  This muddled mess of breakfast and working at the same time, and wasting time on the computer (still a problem even without Facebook-which i slightly cheated on yesterday, much to my dismay.  it sucked me right in!), is not what I want for my day. 
As soon as I'm done writing this I'm going to start on one thing on my list, probably salve making.  I need to get some new things on my Etsy and Poppyswap shops too. 


I'm still trying to think of ways to finance coaching with Britt, and hitting some road blocks.  We've talked a little about moving from this area of Maine to somewhere a little easier to find community, students, clients- so i"m not sure about trying to find a job in town if we're just goign to leave.  But i can't drag my feet forever....

I wish I could make my Etsy and Poppyswap shops suddenly immensely profitable.  To do that, I'd need more product, for that I need money.  I'm still so upset about the immense credit card debt i'm in.  If i wasn't so far in I'd be able to splurge a little to finance something, but as it is...I can't justify it.  I'm in so deep.  I dont think i'm ever getting out of debt.  Would it be so bad to die in debt. 
Throwing away 400-500 dollars a month on debt.  Some of it worthy, some of it not.  Fuck.  Its depressing. 

Snow Bound

Winter sleep

Coaching conundrum

Over the past week I've been talking with Britt at In Arms Coaching and everything about it sounds great, and like something that might really help me get straight with myself, and what I want, and give me the boost I need to get out of the funk.

Problem is...money.  It isn't cheap. At all.  Payment plans would be about 280$-$360 a month.  For a year or more. 
So, I'm asking for help...do you have ideas for me? New classes to offer? Job leads? Thoughts that are creative for ways to make a few more bucks?  I mean, I can't cut into my current income at all, because I"m just barely covering the nut.  
So I must find new income.  Any and all ideas are welcome.  Donations as well, but considering I need 12 months of payments, I need something reliable as well.

 

the wrong foot

today feels like it is just starting off all wrong.
I'm grumpy, sad, lethargic.
forced myself to do yoga. wrote in my journal- realized my whole day has to be rearranged for a client- a pro bono client.

I'm beginning to think I will never ever be able to log into my shamana gmail account again. it has been disabled for 4 days now. I'm loosing work. I dont know what to do, repeated e mails to the service e mail result in nothing.  Their gmail status site says we are wroking to restore access to the remaining .000001 of accounts  ( i guess that means MINE), but nothing happens. 

SUpposed to go away this weekend, but the cost of gas, the strangers, the effort.  All too much.   Maybe I'll just stay in bed all weekend.   Or maybe I'll put on the snow shoes and attempt to go outside.  When it isn't 30 below zero.

Yuck. 

Waiting for tree whispers

Maybe

Connection and disappointment

Well I had a lovely, if all too short visit from a friend last night whom I hadnt' seen since September or October, we stayed up too late, laughing, eating, talking.  <3
So grateful for the connection, to know I'm not really alone. To know someone is thinking of me and wishing me well and cares and loves me.  Thank you for that. 

Also had my free session with In Arms Coaching, which was moving, and powerful, definatley some immediately useful insights about what I'm wanting and not wanting.  Sadly tho, I'm 99.9% sure I can't come anywhere near affording the full program. I'm extra dissapointed about it, because it feels like something that could be really helpful to me, but unless I suddenly become a banker or win the lottery,  I don't think I can devote almost half my income to having a life coach.  I mean- eating is pretty high on my priority list.  I'm struggling to make ends meet at all as it is, and I dont see any immediate ways to suddenly have a large cash flow...and if i did, shouldn't some portion of it go towards paying off the interminable ball and chain of debt hanging over my head.  I mean I'm all anxious and waiting for the banking system to collapse and be free of those obligations, but for now, debt is literally the ball and chain that weighs me down year after year.  Two unexpected significant expenses that I cant afford, put on credit, have set me back about two years of payments.   I finally saw progress, and then it evaporated before my eyes in a few short months. 

Screwed is how i feel about that.  An you know, if collapse came today, I probably don't have enough survival skills to really be able to hack it in the world.  I dont own a gun, I don't know how to hunt, I have no garden or stored food, nor a supportive community willing to trade food for skills I do have. 

So, I'd go the way of the dodo in a hurry most likely.   But I got up early today, had a nice visit with my friend, and will force myself to do some yoga, and take a shower.
I decided that I need to give myself more structure, routine and discpline and something simple like taking a shower every day ( which is not something i generall buy into), not even really needing to wash my hair or use soap, but just a daily emotional/spiritual cleansing ritual to separate the work day from the morning might be helpful.  Not being so damn lazy. Get out of my pajamas.  Do something.

tears of hope and tearing down

today I called into a free teleseminar offered by Britt of In Arms Coaching- about 3 tools for overcoming overwhelm. 
I cried the whole hour long call.  She just kept describing exactly where I am at, and what I'm feeling right now.
I keep saying I need a life reboot- and make jokes about buying one on credit at Best Buy.  But, maybe what i need is a life coach?  Not that I have money for this sort of thing, but...its been agreed upon by many parties in my life that i need some help, something I can't do by myself.  I can take herbs all day long and feel somewhat better, but i'm still miserable with what i'm doing, my life in general.
Even though it appears I have everything I ever wanted- or thought I wanted...i'm miserable.  So maybe this isn't really what I want?  Or maybe it is, but I'm just sabatoging my own happiness?



I mean, I know I have issues.  They are all too apparent to me right now- I just don't know how to resolve them...I mean I've been playing these  mind games with myself since I was a pre-teen.
The story that i always get one-upped, usurped, outdone, outshone, and second placed in whatever it is I want to do by someone I love.  over and over and over.  So I quit, change focus, and it happens all over again.

Never feeling adequate, good enough, unique enough or getting enough credit.  And never getting started on things if I can't be PERFECT NOW.

The pervasive fear of never having enough money, and never being comfortable and never breaking out of the poverty mindset.

The self effacing taking the blame for everything that could ever go wrong in life, relationship, or work.

The need for constant approval, recognition, pats on the back, compliments- instead of just doing what I want because I like it, and giving myself credit.

The constant worry that I'm going to fail, well that, and the constant worry.  About everything under the sun...imaging the worst possible scenario in all cases.

The unbearable paralyzing social anxiety that prevents me from meeting new people, having friends, making connections, making simple phone calls to people with whom I'd like to connect and spend time with.

The stifling and stuffing and bottling up of my feelings- refusing to share, open up, ask for help. Or even write in down in a journal- because writing it down means admitting it, and once you admit it, you have to do something about it.

the list could go on and on with all the ways I hate myself for doing these things...there I admitted it. In writing.

Well tomorrow I'm going to take advantage of the free 40 min session with Britt, and find out if this is something that might help me "reboot" my life into something that makes me more satisfied and happy.  I'm just terrified that I won't be able to actually DO the work necessary to make it all happen.  I'll get scared, run away, quit, or...

I'm also afraid of just being a blubbery emotional mess in front of a stranger. 

A Time when I was happy- barefoot in river miles from anywhere.

Will it never end?

Its snowing....AGAIN!  Not just a pittance either. Winter storm warning till this evening.  There are tiny flakes and big fluffy ones falling.  Already at least a couple of inches. 
There go my plans for going to town...to the bank, to the store, the post office- errands that keep getting put off because I live so far away from everything.  I know i have snow tires, but why tempt fate to drive in a snow storm for minor tasks.

I brewed some ethiopian style spiced coffee...I still can't force myself out of bed at 6.  I almost did, but then rather wanted to go back unconscious dreaming.

The snow also means the friend who was going to visit probably won't.  :(

YUCK.
I guess I'll make herbal chicken soup instead.



 

the empty vat of tea

I guess its probably a good sign when the two gallons of herbal infusion you made for students is totally empty after the weekend learning.  And a healthy mess in the kitchen.
It felt good to teach, to share, to be with other PEOPLE.  It feels good NOT to be on Facebook.  Still it requires a discipline I seem to have lost in my life. 
Maybe that is all I'm missing?  Discipline?  Structure....
Talking about constitutions this weekend reminded me of my lazy kapha tendencies..and that structure helps me a lot.  So does movement.  I get so mired in the cold, stagnant mud of my kapha-ness....its winter, to be expected I suppose.  Drink more chai.  More birch.  More nettle and ginger.  More yoga.

I keep intending, and keep not doing it, but every night I set my alarm for 6 am, with the intention of getting up for some yoga.  It might be cold and inhospitable outside, but I really have no more excuses for not doing it.  Excepting the few weeks of sickness...I'm not sick anymore. 

Felt so good to have people around, the community of sharing with other folks and like minded souls making their way in this world in a way that isn't the same old rat race, farmers, tea makers, animal tenders, shamanesses. 



We journeyed to Wild Cherry last night, beating the drum- felt that soul stirring vibration in my bones when I play.  Why aren't I playing more often?  Cherry tree medicine- I lost my heart.  I think I left it on the rocks of the desert mountains- how can one be whole without ones heart?  I carried away a bloody beating heart in a bag.  Must retrieve "heart".  Good thing hawthorn is my plant ally this year...thinking cherry has some help for me as well.

writing this all out makes me cry.  I'm so good at bottling up my feelings.  I should sell it like a soda.  its good to write, good to share, know that humans feel pain and sadness just as I do. I am not alone, but easy to feel like i am...

Everyone keeps telling me to go outside.   Why can't I get motivated to go outside?  I always just feel so overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do, that I can't justify 20 min, 30 min, an hour to myself?  I worked all weekend, and here I am feeling guilty that I"m' not working. 

Caring for others

Students are coming today.Eager minds ready to absorb all they can about herbs and healing.  I made them a giant pot of nettle tulsi rose and lemongrass infusion.  Not sure I have much to say to them educationally.  I mean, i dont use or understand tissue states, i'm not good with tounges, or pulses.
I'm good at herb walks and talking about plants.  Can't do much of that when they are all covered up by 5 ft of snow.  still why should i bother- students can go to the greats of maine- gail faith edwards, who hates me anyway, and deb soule.  or even arthur haines.  they all know more about maine plants anyway.  

Why is it so much easier to do these things for someone else than for oneself?  
At least half the days I make an infusion- nettles and raspberry and things.

really i mostly just want to go back to bed.  The sun is back out, but the wind is howling gale forces again.  I wondered if the house would blow away and take me to Oz last night. 

We took the tree out for the birds to live in. Then the wind blew it into a snow drift.  Mostly buried now. 

The driveway is a hazard of ice sheets top to bottom. 
Waiting for spring to hurry.

the day starts off...

I can't seem to wake up when I want to.  I intend to wake up at 6, thinking getting up and out of bed would be better for me than sleeping, but didn't sleep well, and slept till 10 instead.   I guess I'd rather stay in dreams than deal with reality.  Reality Bites.

can't seem to get moving.  have so much to do, prep for students coming tomorrow, consutlations to complete. 
always fucking waiting on something.  Still waiting to take the tree out from Yule.  Its mostly a pile of dried needles on the floor.  Its depressing.  So are the dead rosemary plants in the window. 

Dead plants are bad feng shui.  Maybe i just need a spring cleaning.  I never have time to keep up with cleaning the house. I hate how messy it is all the time.   I clean one room and the rest gets dirtier.  i'm so unorganized.    Its practically noon and I've done absolutely no work. Nada. No i take that back it IS noon, and i've done nothing.  Way to go. 

But the day starts off - OKAY- not great, I'm not jumping for joy or anything, the snow is coming down hard.  I suppose in one way its nice.  but mostly i'm tired of snow and ice and cold.  I'm tired of being stuck inside. i hate driving in it.  Sean took my car to town because it has snow tires.  

Making some oolong tea for a new batch of kombucha.  Having some green tea and roses- and had bacon for breakfast.  I even took a B vitamin ...I guess better than nothing.

I was thinking yesterday  I should start off every day with a list...of things I need to work on.  My mom did this when i was growing up.  maybe she still does.  Lists help me feel accomplished and organized.  At least when i can cross off SOMETHING i feel better.  But the unnamed mass of things i need to do is daunting and scary and overwhelming.   

Why did i think it would be good to work for myself?  I have so little work ethic and organizational skill.  I was much better at working when I had specific jobs laid out before me and a fire under my ass to get shit done because otherwise things would fall apart.  I used to be important. I used to make things WORK when I had a job. People could depend on me to get shit done.  Why don't I get shit done at home?

when everything isn't enough

and you can't live with the mistakes you've made.  
I should be happy, thrilled, excited, vibrant- my life seems to be exactly where I had dreamed of it being  a year or two ago. Instead- i'm miserable, angry, lashing out, sleeping away the hours as much as I can, crying, guilty.

I have no idea why I'm so depressed. Its going to snow storm- again. fuck. I can't stand any more snow.  Any more winter, any more cold.  Stagnant stuckness.  i miss the winter in arizona.  I miss growing 3 ft tall greens in the winter garden.  I miss the blossoms of spring-little anemone's poking their heads out shyly underneath the rocks.  Now I can barely walk out the yard, up to my hips when i take out the compost.  Not to mention the frigid wind- that howls all the time. Below zero windchill every day.

I'm so desperately lonely out here in the boonies.  Maybe I"m not cut out for the boonies after all...I feel like such an alien in maine. I dont know anyone, I dont belong, I dont know how to function here. I have no friends, no support, no community.

I've made so many decisions i can't go back and change.  did i make the right choices?  can i live with the results.

I feel so crazy, out of control, and somehow not really caring.  I've never felt this bad, at least as far as I can remember. Never for this long.  Its been at least a couple of months now.
I'm so tired of struggling with life,with not enough money,  so tired of working.
I feel so inefficient and unable to get work done, everyday i think I'm going to try to work- and then i melt down and there goes the day...maybe i'm broken,  maybe i need prozac?

I'm not looking for advice, or pity, nor do i want you to tell me which herbs to take to feel better. I know all that shit.  problem is, I just don't really want to try.   I just want to go find a big hole to curl up in for the better part of the year.

I am so so sad.