Catching Up

Hrm yeah, so it's been an eventual week and I haven't kept up here. I've made a resolution to stay OFF the internet/computer as much as is possible so I dont waste time with inane useless websurfing.
So the hike with mr potential..well...hrm..maybe not. He put on shades and clammed up halfway through, and I was rather appalled by the way he swatted at the bees and professed he wanted them to die.
ACK!

Not to mention he hasn't bothered to call since then. Oh well...such is life.
The week kept me busy at work, even including on friday which was supposed to be off, but i ended up doing paperwork all morning long at the office.

On Wednesday I went on a bike ride with another new dude. Yah..where the heck am I meeting all these dudes? * usually online* I dont go to bars or parties and such...so...
anyway, we rode our bikes and seemed to hit it off fairly well, with plans to go hike and eat sushi this coming week! He's pretty cute, in a way I NEVER dreamed I'd find someone attractive...but..alas...he is. And he rides a bike too! COOL!
We'll see how it all goes this week, when we have real face to face time hiking and at dinner(which hopefully won't include wanting to kill harmless bugs doing their bug thing, or chopping at cactus or anything).
He was going out of town for the weekend, and thought enough of me to send me a little text message when he got off the plane. *Be still my fluttering heart!*

Cyndy left town and I cleaned up her place yesterday after spending the morning at a class with Quynn Elizabeth at the Institute for the Shamanic Arts. I got so much good information during my work there this weekend, mostly revolving around my insecurity based on things JOSH said to me. His words were literally Poison to me, and I have to find the way to transmute the poison.

Today I got up at 7 and ran out the door to do a hike, and decided to try Blackett's Ridge at Sabino Canyon for a change. Quite the uphill battle, I got nice and sweaty and tired, but it was a good workout and great views of the valley.

Once I headed home I set to work making lipbalms for the holiday season, cinnamon sin and chocolate decadence, again this year. I got the cocoa to make the spicy southwestern hot cocoa, though i'm waiting for cinnamon to arrive in the mail to make it...
I figure by the end of the week I'll have my holiday products ready to sell and unveil to the public. HOping that i'll make as much as i did last year!

I'm tired. I think I'm gonna nap before I head to a friends house for girls movie night in.

*hopeful and happy and tired and productive*

Saturday in the Park

I can't believe how TIRED I was Friday. I worked 8 hrs, and running on 4 hrs of sleep didn't help matters. By the end of the day I had crashed and burned....
it was all i could do to get some dinner ( Ting and I ordered out from Fiorito's, i got some lasanga and a salad) and then crawl into bed. i was too tired to even read....
But i slept like a rock, and woke up this morning refreshed and ready for a nice bike ride in the cool fall morning.
So , I made buckwheat pancakes for breakfast, with blueberry topping. I've really been into buckwheat as of late. Nice alternative flour for baking with, which is gluten free. It has more character than wheat flour...earthy, dark...quite delicious with molasses! So after i ate my pancakes, it was out on the bike.
Returned home, showered, ate lunch, and then headed to the park to visit my friend Yael, who brought potato chips to share, and I brought a container of iced fruity herbal tea. A combination of lemongrass, hibiscus, shizandra berry, elderberry, and anise hyssop made a delightful afternoon beverage.
We sat under a tree and talked, and then walked down the street to Seven Cups, the chinese tea place and ate Yomogi ( mugwort and aduki bean treats.)
When I came home again, Ting was cooking a roast pork loin! Yummy!
Firmed up plans with Travis to hike in the morning (fingers crossed all goes well!) and then headed over to visit my friend cyndy who is going back to berkeley next week. I'm gonna help her clean her house after she leaves and she gave me some food she had in her pantry she doesnt want to move with. Free bread, arugula pesto, beans...good stuff. Free food is always good. i might make a sweet potato pie with the goodies i got. Need a pie crust though.

I'm excited to hike tomorrow with Travis B. We'll see how he really acts out in the woods with me....it will be revealing anyway. I thought it would be fun to invite him to carve pumpkins with me this friday, but then i remembered him saying that he and sharp objects are rather dangerous together...maybe i should just carve HIM a pumpkin??

Meeting...FINALLY!

So i finally actually really got to meet this guy i've been so excited about for weeks. I tried to get hime to meet me at the park, but he was thirsty after going to a follow up interview, so we went to Ike's coffe and tea instead, sat on cushy chairs and talked for two hours.
:)
i think it went well...it's always interesting to put an acutal person to the voice and thoughts ....
i don't think i got that big toothy grin i was hoping to see though. i think he was a little nervous? i suppose i was a bit nervous too...
he's very tall!! looks like his pictures.
he said i looked like my pictures as well...which is good. josh always told me i looked different than my pictures in RL. RHMPH!

so we shook hands at the end of the night, i think though we wanted to hug, but....niether of us made the move to do so...ah well

so off he went to do his errands, and me to my journey circle downtown...
when i finished i texted him on the phone, saying it was nice to meet, and that i thought it went well. he txt back agreeing. Then when i got home i had to ask..."so i ' m not too much of a hippy fo ryou am i?" he called, and laughed and said no.
hrm, and THEN...we talked until 1 am.
YIKES!

so he said he thought my big long braid was actually very sexy! :P
so yeah, it went well..finally...after all this anticipation...he thought i was sexy...
he has really nice eyes, and probably a nice smile, but i couldn't tell, he didn't smile big for me yet. though i thought he could have longer hair ( more fun to play with?)
so i wonder how outdoorsy he really is. he SAYS he's into it....
we'll try to hike this weekend...

ok...so..mr. potential is finally more than just a ghost on the phone.
( can't beleve we talked for 4 hrs afterward last night!)

Silly Sunburn!!

So, today was such a georgeous day, I had to play hookey from work.
well , not exactly. I got up and went to work, and worked half the day, but started having a major sciatica nerve flare up. Trying to pick up watering cans caused my back to cascade in spasms of agony.
Hmmm..yeah...NOT good. So i called in sick, and left for home. I got home, and thought, ok..nice day, i NEED to get outside. Hrm, riding my bike would keep me off my feet, right??
It would be OK?
So, i pulled out my bike and put on my cute blue tank top jersey, perfect for fall days. But I forgot about the sun...even in october, the sun is strong...and silly me, forgot to screen up my back in my cute exposed tank.
I rode hard for two hours, really feeling good and strong and energetic, and enjoying the weather...out broadway, up freeman, down Old spanish trail , back to broadway home....
well two hours in the sun...and my back is FRIED!
i haven't let myself burn in such fashion since i was a kid. REALLY! I'm religious about sunscreen, and I'm not religious about too many things....
It's rather painful and hot..and i've been smearing myself with calendula st johns cream and aloe vera based cool cream from the fridge.
It is soothing, and keeps the skin nice and moist. but good greif girl! what a foolish move!!

( oh, and that sciatica? didn't bother me ON the ride, but at the store afterward....it kicked in again. This could be a long day tomorrow.)

Autumn in the Air

So, i spent the day hiking with another new friend. I noticed that autumn is DEFINATELY in the air now...dried out plants going to rest for the winter, overcast skies....something about the atmosphere is very autumny.
And of course, I'm baking. I made cranberry nut bread last night late late...

i didnt get to meet the guy i'm so excited about yet. Scheduling is just being difficult for us, things keep coming up. I"m guessing he's just busy trying to get settled and moved....but i'm bummed. I'm really looking foward to meeting him...and now, who knows when ...or if?
I'm feeling rather insecure about the whole business now...maybe he doesn't want to meet me after all... ( is that why he hasn't called?)

i can see some potential with the guy i was out with today...but it will take time time time...some awkward silences...lots of me asking him questions, not vice versa...
*shrug*
he has a nice smile though. maybe i should cook him dinner.

i have a day at work tomorrow. i dont know what i'll do after....i'm so anxious and wrapped up in meeting guys. Maybe i need to lay off for a while....

* wonder if anyone will ever even TRY to kiss me?*

ready, set, go...

so i finally get to meet mr. potential! LOL, yeah, the guy i stayed up all night talking to. FINALLY we get to meet in person. Oh the anticipation has been just killing me.
I like what i know of him so far, on the phone, in pictures, IM....now i just hope it all goes well tomorrow ...
we're going to do a bit of hiking in sabino canyon in the morning. early....:P
I'm too excited...i rEALLY have high hopes for this...i hope not in vain...

Comedians and sushi

So tonight, I let myself get taken out on a date, (gee whiz, is that what this was???) by someone MUCH too old for me. *sigh* Very nice guy, we have some things in common, but there is that age difference that really throws me. BUT, we did have a very fun time, went to see a comedian at the university, Steve Hofstetter, the thinking mans comic, www.stevehofstetter.com who was very comical on things political, social and the like. I laughed a lot, even if i wasnt a college kid.

We went and ate sushi afterward and talked a bit. It was nice, got me mind off other things. On another note, I heard from the guy who was supposed to call last night. Turns out he fell asleep early...i know he's probalby busy just moving into town....but still. At least I didnt scare him off... said his aunt had kidnapped him in a txt message, and i responded by asking if i should bring a ransom so we could go out on friday.
The plan is to go on a hike on friday morning, spend some time together and see how it is in person. I'll call him on thursday, but he did say today that he'd call me tomorrow. We'll see if he follows through with that.
I sure hope so!

more strange hours

i just cant seem to sleep the night through anymore.
now they are asking us at work to do things that are going to make my days much longer and harder ( carrying around equipment into every job regardless of weather u need it or not, instead of rnning to the car to get it).

Ugh....i feel like such a slacker...i just want to get my work day FINISHED, done, as quickly as possible....i dont want to go to extra effort. :(

So i was also stood up last night... seemingly really awsome guy whom i've spent quite a lot of time talking to online and on the phone, we were supposed to get together to meet in person. But after telling me he'd call yesterday, he failed to do so, and didnt answer his fone when i tried calling.

GUH! Did he change his mind? Did i do something wrong? Are most guys like that? I'm used to people who do what the say when they say they will. I guess i'd gotten my hopes up a bit too high ( but you know, after talking all night long and having him tell you he was really excited to meet....who wouldn't?)
:(
I guess i should just let it go, and let him call me if he is actually still interested, but i feel this desire to say to him, look, if you changed your mind, just freaking tell me. dont keep me guessing. If you want me to leave you alone i will..just say the word.
communication.

:S
i want to just sleep... instead of feeling so much gd anxiety over my life.
i want to run away.

The Wind in the Willow

Sitting under a waving willow in the canyon yesterday, this came to me.

The River willow writhes gleefully, dancing in the wind.
She tosses her skirts, tresses waving as the wind blows by,
Caressing her as he soars.
Cajoling her into lively abandon,
Ecstatic swaying
Joyful, joyful as the wind
Plays in her hair.
She dances,
Teasing her lover into ever greater passion.
Moaning through the canyons,
Aching to feel her under his touch.
The wind is whispering promises,
The willow sings of sensual sunsets.
Temerously she waits,
Quivering in anticipation
Of his passionate embrace.
The willow awaits her lover, the wind.

Strange Hours

I'm keeping strange hours of late. Waking in the middle of the night often...as tonight.
I spent last night at Turkey Creek in the Chiricahua mountains with a friend, but she forgot half of her camping gear/food, so we made do with the supplies i had brought (stove, food etc) and stayed for only one night instead of two. Hiked up a STEEP trail, i was so pooped, i thought i would sleep well tonight. I feel asleep early...but here i am...wide awake at 130 am.
I was anxiously waiting to hear from this guy all evening. See, i met this really awsome guy from online, and we ended up talking all night long monday. He just moved himself here this week, to start over from scratch, and we've talked a lot about places to go camping/hiking/exploring etc. But, though i'm VERY interested in him, so far, we have yet to meet in person. We had talked on the phone thursday, and i told him i'd be out of town till sunday afternoon. So when i called yesterday, he wasnt really expecting me to be back. I left a message, but didn't hear back this evening before i slept. I was hoping to arrange an early morning hike ...but now...
i guess it will have to wait. It is only supposed to be in the 80s tomorrow...so an afternoon hike is feasible, if we get in touch with each other early. I have no idea how early is too early to call him again. maybe should wait till lunch time.
*SIGH*
But the potential here is great i think. Last time i was talking allnight with someone...it was josh, when we had first met. Just need to meet in PERSON. all will be well.

If only i could sleep these days!! still feeling carried off by a wave of late...like i dont know where i'm going to, or where i'll end up....

On the downward spiral...

While walking to a waterfall, yet undiscovered, I thought about my life...
How I'm falling apart...seams are coming undone.
I feel shattered, my head split asunder....
on the verge of two worlds - a choice must be made.
Do I chose to live in the "Real" world, of shoulds, woulds, coulds...of duties and dutifulness, of jobs, and bills and stifled dreams. My chains are broken, a tamed creature, suddenly let loose into the wild...dont know which way to turn....
Do I chose the life away from this sickening, disheartening, disenchanting, soul draining society? The Path of wildness, of wilderness....of walking in the dark....of feeling, living, caressing the grasses, kissing the stones. would i be running from reality? What is reality anyway? Who made these rules we all live by without question, without choice?

i'm at a juncture, a crossroads, my shamanic death/intiation. seems as if diving into the void is choice i am offered...that, or die. not physically, my body would carry on for another 70 yrs or so, my soul...no, it would die. it would die there on the rocks.... i cant live this life i have built around me.

It is ok to feel the life around me falling apart...the old me is dying anyway...all the things i thought, that i was taught i was supposed to be....the only thing holding me to them was my relationship to one so completely entrenched in that reality. I tried so hard to fit into that reality, i did, and always seemed to fail somehow....i never felt peace, i never felt right in this world....

darkness surrounds...head and heart, split open, dying to the world...spinning down, down, down.

"I'm spiraling down into the dark night of the soul....and so reach out...because i dont know what comes next...i suppose i never did...but the ropes broke loose...nothing left chaining me...so down i go, around and around in the dark womb."

"As I walked yesterday, up the canyon, over the rocks, farther than i'd ever gone before (perhaps just out of habit) I stopped and said hello to my tree, but walked on. I found a waterfall at the end of the canyon and laid down on the bare polished rocks....
feeling like my head, my heart had been split in two, or more pieces....a million pieces....shattered...
it is the beginning ....the ending....going into the dark....hopefully to put myself back together...

For so long the world around me has fed me lines about who and what i should be and do, and there is a part of me that still "believes" that is what i need to do, but there is that part of me that doesn't buy into it, and I dont have any direction now. For so long I've fought tooth and nail to find a way to make my life work , to fit into the "real world" and it's rules and expectations...making money, making a living, contributing to society, being a success... all the while being "happy"
what the hell does that all mean anyway...
but i dotn know...i honestly dont' know what my heart is saying now... i'm ina million pieces. the whole life i've lived up till jnow is in question...
there is nothing holding me now...i'm in free fall...
i've ignored my heart for so long...little things creep out now and then, but i've for so long practised self denial... i lack intimacy with myself, let alone with others, when have i ever opened completely?? perhaps never....
i feel completely lost. i feel like i dont even have the heart for my herb business right now.
I know i have financial chains still...i dont know quite how to break out them....i dont know if i'm supposed to be in this "society" or on the outskirts, or where....
i have so much work to do...i dont even know where to begin....

i need healing, yes, but i need to do more. i feel like i've never truly been the wild woman inside. i've always compromised, complied, even subjugated myself for the sake of...what, others, shoulds, coulds, woulds.... i need to do so much. I feel broken...i feel dried up...like old dried bones
need to sing over the bones...bring her back to life....
and i know it can't be done here, like this, struggling each to make ends meet and make it through one more miserable day.
this just isnt my broken heart ....its been telling me, asking me...what next...what next, for months now. I thought the answer was to "be" an herbalist... it wasn't... it was part of it,,,,the answer wasnt leaving josh...it is part of it...yes, because i'd never free that wild one inside while holding on to the shoulds,c ould s and woulds of this life....it is bigger than that...
th e only way to do it is being alone, not with another who demands thngs from me, when i should be listenign to myself, it is finding myself...being able to hear, to listen, to feel, to act...finding reason, purpose..."

When life makes you bitter...make chocolate cake!

I've been feeling incredibly depressed this week. I saw Josh on Tuesday, and he informed me that he has a new girlfriend.
GUH!
That was a tough blow. I swallowed my tears as best I could, until Wednesday, when I discovered this ugly green monster...you know the one....the jealous bitter venegeful one.
Yeah...reared its ugly little head.
I dont want to be the bitter vengeful jealous ex girlfriend. I don't understand how he can be so OVER us already. Or maybe he's not, maybe he is ignoring the pain...drowning it in someone else? Who knows...but the thoughts I have are downright frightening.
I have to put a lid on this green monster...and fast.
Ting brought me chocolate last night, and I spent the afternoon by a waterfall, laying on the rocks, listening to the sound of water, birds, feeling a cool wind on my skin, sticking my feet in the little pools of cold water.

So...when life makes you bitter, what is a girl to do??? I swear by chocolate to sweeten up the sentiments, so I made Sinful Southwestern Chocolate Cake.
This is a basic chocolate cake, with melted dark chocolate, cinnamon, chiles, cloves, and mesquite flour. YUMMY!

:)