This is the last day of 2005. I can't believe a whole year has passed, so very quickly, and so very much has changed. My life was turned upside down this year....and I STILL feel like i'm trying to pick up the pieces. my wish for all this year...
peace
new beginnings
and a little less painful upheaval. ( just about everyone i know went through some massive changes and trials this year. may 2006 be gentler to the heart, but full of learning and growth.
:)
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Winter Solstice
Yesterday was the winter solstice, the longest night of the year, the beginning of winter, and from this day foward the sun will stay up just a little bit longer. I think of it as the rebirth of the sun, and the true end of a year, and the start of new year.
I said farewell to the old year with some friends last night, shared wassail and potato soup, various cheeses, and spreads and breads, and of course, a yule log cake and peppermint ice cream (homemade!!!)
This has been a rather trying year for me, and for many other folk, and frankly, i'm glad to see this year go. Letting go of lots of old stuff....and moving into a new phase, and looking foward to the gifts of the new year.
Of course, my first new day, i'm home sick. I got to work early, but then discovered, to my dismay, that i wasn't feeling well at all, so i went home. been a while since i've taken a sick day. much needed break really....but i think i need a real vacation too.
ahhh....
Monday, December 19, 2005
Walk in the Neighboorhood
So, I've lived in this neighboorhood for about 4 and a half months, and have neglected to take a little walk around it in all this time. party due to the climate, and lack of time, but when it is getting too late to get on the bike for a good hour ride, there is nothing that should stop me from taking a little walk ....
so out i went, needed to clear my head and my heart of some anxiety i've been feeling. It was sundown, and the streets were fairly quiet. I saw all sorts of apartments for rent, some that look comparable to where i live now, but perhaps have one bedrooms available?? I'm thinking I might move into a one bedroom place for myself in august when the lease is up on this place...not have to share space. we'll see....
but there were also tons of cute little houses, some for sale, some not...but cute just the same, and i found myself wishing i had the means to buy a cute little house like that...make it my own, have my herb office, and my plants outside....
dont know how or when i'd get the means to do that though...at this rate...
thinking of quitting my job and finding something else....i just cant get along with one person in particular, and I'm bored, and things are complicated by the fact that i'm seeing my coworker....
maybe it would be best to just move on...to where??? god only knows...
it felt good to walk..i haven't done that in years...i remember i used to take walks in the evenings with my dad and step mom when i was a kid...it was a good practice. maybe time to reinstate it?
I wish i felt inspired to write...i feel like writing, but i dont know WHAT to write....feel wordless, uninspired....
so out i went, needed to clear my head and my heart of some anxiety i've been feeling. It was sundown, and the streets were fairly quiet. I saw all sorts of apartments for rent, some that look comparable to where i live now, but perhaps have one bedrooms available?? I'm thinking I might move into a one bedroom place for myself in august when the lease is up on this place...not have to share space. we'll see....
but there were also tons of cute little houses, some for sale, some not...but cute just the same, and i found myself wishing i had the means to buy a cute little house like that...make it my own, have my herb office, and my plants outside....
dont know how or when i'd get the means to do that though...at this rate...
thinking of quitting my job and finding something else....i just cant get along with one person in particular, and I'm bored, and things are complicated by the fact that i'm seeing my coworker....
maybe it would be best to just move on...to where??? god only knows...
it felt good to walk..i haven't done that in years...i remember i used to take walks in the evenings with my dad and step mom when i was a kid...it was a good practice. maybe time to reinstate it?
I wish i felt inspired to write...i feel like writing, but i dont know WHAT to write....feel wordless, uninspired....
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Darcey in December
Darcey Blue contemplates December
I headed for the hills today early in the morning. I needed some time away from the hustle and bustle of the city in December, and so went to visit the trees and sleeping earth in December on the mountain. I found green boughs and pine cones to decorate the house with in festive solstice spirit ( i made a wreath with my greens! sooo pretty and smells so nice too!) I also saw feathers in the clouds, trees sparkling in the morning sun and waving in the wind...doing a little december dance, and ice crystals in the stream....sang some songs and thought about the year to come.
It was just devine being out on the mountain early in the morning, no one was up there yet, i had the whole mountain to myself...it felt...a friendly woodpecker was pecking away at a ponderosa pine and kept me company as i lay in the warm sun, bundled up in many layers. Winter hikes are special and wonderful. I hightly reccomend it to one and all!!
Friday, December 16, 2005
Tis the season to be Merry
Nice week, mostly....
Other than the problems i have at work and STILL worried about losing my job....
Rudy and I decorated a christmas tree together! That was much fun, especially since Josh was never festive, and we NEVER ever did that together. Rudy even put on christmas music, and we had hot cocoa. VERY fun...it was cool to go get the tree together....
I'm spending the weekend by myself, and plan to go up on the mountain tomorrow, early, early. screw the mandatory bike meeting...i dont think i'm gonna follow up with the racing thing on the bike this spring. I still haven't been able to train, and i aint gonna catch up now.
:S
oh well...i'm just not motivated for it.
I got a new stereo today, since the old one broke. This one is nicer and smaller and better!! FINALLY so glad to have my music back....it was near torture not to have music....
speaking of music and such, this afternoon i recorded some poems that will be aired on christmas night on KXCI, 91.3 fm in tucson, or live from the web at kxci.org. COOL!
anyway, it is about bed time. NIGHT NITE
Other than the problems i have at work and STILL worried about losing my job....
Rudy and I decorated a christmas tree together! That was much fun, especially since Josh was never festive, and we NEVER ever did that together. Rudy even put on christmas music, and we had hot cocoa. VERY fun...it was cool to go get the tree together....
I'm spending the weekend by myself, and plan to go up on the mountain tomorrow, early, early. screw the mandatory bike meeting...i dont think i'm gonna follow up with the racing thing on the bike this spring. I still haven't been able to train, and i aint gonna catch up now.
:S
oh well...i'm just not motivated for it.
I got a new stereo today, since the old one broke. This one is nicer and smaller and better!! FINALLY so glad to have my music back....it was near torture not to have music....
speaking of music and such, this afternoon i recorded some poems that will be aired on christmas night on KXCI, 91.3 fm in tucson, or live from the web at kxci.org. COOL!
anyway, it is about bed time. NIGHT NITE
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Weekend Getaway
Salt River Canyon Overlook
I went HERE with my sweetie this past weekend. Well, we actually went further north than Salt River Canyon, up to the Heber Overgaard area, where we visited with friends and spent time walking around a mountain lake, playing music around a woodstove, and munching on good ol small town cafe breakfast. YUM! But on the way there, we had to drive through the Salt River Canyon. Between Globe and Show Low, the Salt River is nestled in a DEEEEEEP canyon....i know it aint the grand canyon, but its has carved itself very beautifully into layers of rock and an amazing landscape.
We spent an hour walking around down near the river at the base of the canyon, laying on the rocks, feeling blessed. We listened to a lot of bluegrass music on the drive...i'm itching to learn some songs so we can play together ( he can play and i can sing).
The trip was really nice...of course I'm terribly shy at meeting new people, so I'm praying i didn't make a bad impression on his friends, cause i'm kinda quiet, but it was nice to get out of the city, so so nice, great to spend it with someone special, and to know that he cares enough to want to introduce me to his best friends that he's known since childhood. That means a LOT!
Next weekend....it's family meeting time. ACK!! Talk about pressure!!
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Bike Racing and Beaded Shoes
I'm finding it difficult to be able to devote the kind of time that my bike training schedule is asking for .... 4 hrs on a sunday...i know i did it before...but, i just dont feel like doing it EVERY week now...i can't devote more than an hour and a half at most to riding during the week...work and life and the darkness of winter months just completely make that impossible. Should I still race? I can't train appropriately, I dont WANT to train like a mad person again. I dont want to hate the bike, I dont want the obligations. Can i do the races (a total of six) without the kind of training suggested? On just a few rides a week? They will hurt, I may not do well....
is that OK? should i bother?
Last night I went out on the bike for a few hours, started at 330 and got home at 530...RACED across town at max heartrate, trying to beat the setting sun, so i didn't have to ride in the dark ( my taillight is out of commission!)
Yesterday i went to the annual smith college club luncheon and auction and bought a pair of funky beaded house slippers from southeast asia.
Arent they cute! Hey, it was for a good cause....and they are kind of funky cool!
I want to bake bread today, n ride my bike for a little while ( not 4 and half hours though!) Hope I get to see my sweetie too.
I feel that sometimes our time together is so rushed, breif...we are always rushing off to get to work, or go here, and get this done etc etc, or it is interrupted by life happening. I'm longing for just days and hours to spend talking, laying the sun, looking at the clouds and sharing hearts and touching souls. We got to talking last night on the phone, and had such a meaningful open and heartfelt talk...it felt so nice...even if it was just over the phone...i felt relief, i got to open up and say things that were on my mind, my feelings...and he just keeps saying things that reaffirm and remind me of why he is SO amazing... and why i'm loving the person he is more everyday.
is that OK? should i bother?
Last night I went out on the bike for a few hours, started at 330 and got home at 530...RACED across town at max heartrate, trying to beat the setting sun, so i didn't have to ride in the dark ( my taillight is out of commission!)
Yesterday i went to the annual smith college club luncheon and auction and bought a pair of funky beaded house slippers from southeast asia.
Arent they cute! Hey, it was for a good cause....and they are kind of funky cool!
I want to bake bread today, n ride my bike for a little while ( not 4 and half hours though!) Hope I get to see my sweetie too.
I feel that sometimes our time together is so rushed, breif...we are always rushing off to get to work, or go here, and get this done etc etc, or it is interrupted by life happening. I'm longing for just days and hours to spend talking, laying the sun, looking at the clouds and sharing hearts and touching souls. We got to talking last night on the phone, and had such a meaningful open and heartfelt talk...it felt so nice...even if it was just over the phone...i felt relief, i got to open up and say things that were on my mind, my feelings...and he just keeps saying things that reaffirm and remind me of why he is SO amazing... and why i'm loving the person he is more everyday.
Monday, November 28, 2005
The Daily Grind
Finally had a reasonable work day again, i finished at 130, had lunch with my sweetie and then got home in time to even get a bike ride in...it's been about 2 and half weeks since i've been able to get on the bike, between wreaks, sore ribs, and work problems....fooey!
But my ride was nice, got home and was really cold. it was below 30 degrees last night, had to cover the plants outside up wth blankets....
i got home and made turkey mole with thanksgiving leftovers...but i'm so sick of turkey...already...
never make a 13 lbs turkey for two!
my roomate lost the mail key....
did i mention i'm falling in love...spent a lazy sunday morning in bed, eating breakfast, sharing thoughts and kisses and love...mmmm...it was a delicious sunday morning indeed.
Laying in your arms
upon the bosom of the Earth, Mother
she cradled our bodies
locked in passionate embrace
She blew a cool breeze to stoke the fire
and made songs in the trees that whispered your name to me.
There in my heart you stayed
as I crawled within your loving space
the walls crumbled at our feet
we broke down the windows and the doors
till we fell into each other, complete.
Laying in Gaia's embrace.
But my ride was nice, got home and was really cold. it was below 30 degrees last night, had to cover the plants outside up wth blankets....
i got home and made turkey mole with thanksgiving leftovers...but i'm so sick of turkey...already...
never make a 13 lbs turkey for two!
my roomate lost the mail key....
did i mention i'm falling in love...spent a lazy sunday morning in bed, eating breakfast, sharing thoughts and kisses and love...mmmm...it was a delicious sunday morning indeed.
Laying in your arms
upon the bosom of the Earth, Mother
she cradled our bodies
locked in passionate embrace
She blew a cool breeze to stoke the fire
and made songs in the trees that whispered your name to me.
There in my heart you stayed
as I crawled within your loving space
the walls crumbled at our feet
we broke down the windows and the doors
till we fell into each other, complete.
Laying in Gaia's embrace.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Feast of Thanksgiving and Gratitude!
Thanksgiving Feast
Today was Thanksgiving...instead of moping cause Josh wasn't around to smoke a turkey and share the day with me, i've found multitudes of things to be grateful for, not the least of which is my new friend and sweetie, Rudy. He's filled my heart and life with gladness and i am so so grateful to be getting to know him.
Unfortunately we didn't spend this holiday together...but I feasted nonetheless! I invited my friend over for lunch/dinner and I cooked up a storm! As you can see in the picture above.
I roasted my first turkey, it was gourgeous, and tasty too! Maple sage roast turkey....
apple and sausage stuffing, chipotle cranberries, blueberry pie with crumble topping, rosemary roasted potatoes, kale, stuffed acorn squash, and pears in cherry sauce ( courtesy of my friend who came to share the meal!) We cooked all day, visited, and then ate ourselves silly!
It was so much fun to cook the food I WANTED, HOW i wanted...no worrying about pleasing others tastes, or having to split up the dishes and not getting to make something i wanted to... i tried to be reasonable and keep it simple, as it was only a two person meal, but the 10 lb bird i ordered ended up being near 13 lbs...so there is a TON of extra turkey! YYUMMMY! I'm working on turkey stock in the crock pot now.... roasted potatoes were easier than mashed, and no green bean cassarole, just simple nutritious steamed greens, and only ONE pie this year....no need for an assortment, and i think this blueberry pie might be one of the finest pies i've ever baked!
I'm so grateful for the abundance of this great bountiful earth, the gifts from spirit, the money and ability to buy and make this food to share with friends ( Rudy will have turkey sandwhiches and pie with me tomorrow on a post turkey day PICNIC!)
I am so so grateful!!! this must be one of my favorite holidays, and i get to make it however i want...
start my own traditions! I loved that my first roast turkey was darn near perfect!!!
Sunday, November 13, 2005
The Green (and red!) Blur...
I've been on a women's cycling team for a few years now, and there has been a contingent of both Racers, and Club Riders. For the past few years, I've been a club rider, riding for fun, socializing, exerzise, and the occasional insanity of completing a race of 100 miles or so.
From my perspective on the club side of things, the racing team was a green blur...fast ladies wearing their green kits ( that is a cycling uniform _spandex pants and jersey) flying by at break neck speeds. I loved to call it the Green Blur, and they always LOOKED so cool !
I finally decided to stick my neck out and join the racing contingent, cause i've been riding long enough now that I'm ready to challenge myself and do some more racing. So , we had a nice team ride today...and i was IN the Green Blur...racing down the road amongst a see of green riders at 20+ mph. It was great fun, and a lot of work!
Well, it was fun...until we got about 100 meters from the end of the ride....when somebody took a spill. Yup, that would be ME. The red blur....
HAH!
we were avoiding traffic and there are these stupid trolley tracks in the road at University Blvd. I looked at them and said, ok, now be careful here ( tracks are notorious for taking out unsuspecting riders), cross them straight.
and to no avail, down i went, tire slipped on the metal....superwoman-ing down the pavement, arms out front.
I jumped up right away, to avoid being in the road...there was traffic! But I took off some skin...and have a nasty case of road rash on my right elbow. It is SOOOO ugly, and hurts like hell. I doctored myself up at home, some disinfecting juice(Kloss linament) boy, did that make me holler. OUCH! and then some nice calendula and chaparral ointment to soothe and heal that tender flesh.
Ick!
SO the green blur is getting in the holiday spirit with red accents....
ah well...
we all fall...the worst part was feeling like a complete dolt in front of my super rider friends....
OH well.
I also made a crock pot full of to die for yummy spicy turkey and anazasi bean chili!
YUMMERS!
From my perspective on the club side of things, the racing team was a green blur...fast ladies wearing their green kits ( that is a cycling uniform _spandex pants and jersey) flying by at break neck speeds. I loved to call it the Green Blur, and they always LOOKED so cool !
I finally decided to stick my neck out and join the racing contingent, cause i've been riding long enough now that I'm ready to challenge myself and do some more racing. So , we had a nice team ride today...and i was IN the Green Blur...racing down the road amongst a see of green riders at 20+ mph. It was great fun, and a lot of work!
Well, it was fun...until we got about 100 meters from the end of the ride....when somebody took a spill. Yup, that would be ME. The red blur....
HAH!
we were avoiding traffic and there are these stupid trolley tracks in the road at University Blvd. I looked at them and said, ok, now be careful here ( tracks are notorious for taking out unsuspecting riders), cross them straight.
and to no avail, down i went, tire slipped on the metal....superwoman-ing down the pavement, arms out front.
I jumped up right away, to avoid being in the road...there was traffic! But I took off some skin...and have a nasty case of road rash on my right elbow. It is SOOOO ugly, and hurts like hell. I doctored myself up at home, some disinfecting juice(Kloss linament) boy, did that make me holler. OUCH! and then some nice calendula and chaparral ointment to soothe and heal that tender flesh.
Ick!
SO the green blur is getting in the holiday spirit with red accents....
ah well...
we all fall...the worst part was feeling like a complete dolt in front of my super rider friends....
OH well.
I also made a crock pot full of to die for yummy spicy turkey and anazasi bean chili!
YUMMERS!
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Make that Falling...and Floating
Cause boy am I falling...fast and hard....
but feel like i've got a parachute there, so i can just float down before hitting the ground at a million miles an hour.
This is all happening so fast...feels so magical.
It sounds stupid and rediculous, but it feels like fate, written in the stars, meant to be?
Is that even possible?
I was looking in all the wrong places, and all the while, if I had just turned the other way....he was there. Neither of us expected this....
Feeling overwhelmed with emotions, so happy.
We're still not RUSHING things. It has all happened so fast, but I dont want to move to fast from this exciting, giddy, ecstatic getting to know you phase....this only comes once in a relationship...got to enjoy every moment of it. Even though we're seeing the dreams of the future up ahead....
Trying so very much to be present, right here and now, feeling the feelings, exploring heart and soul, and not jump ahead too much.
It should be a sign that i didn't feel this much chemistry and magic with ANYONE else I went out with in the last few months. It just wasn't there, even if i TRIED to create it, or justify it's absence with qualifications. With him...it was there, from the first minute i looked at him, even if i tried to IGNORE it...but it wouldn't be squealched.
I'm on fire.
but feel like i've got a parachute there, so i can just float down before hitting the ground at a million miles an hour.
This is all happening so fast...feels so magical.
It sounds stupid and rediculous, but it feels like fate, written in the stars, meant to be?
Is that even possible?
I was looking in all the wrong places, and all the while, if I had just turned the other way....he was there. Neither of us expected this....
Feeling overwhelmed with emotions, so happy.
We're still not RUSHING things. It has all happened so fast, but I dont want to move to fast from this exciting, giddy, ecstatic getting to know you phase....this only comes once in a relationship...got to enjoy every moment of it. Even though we're seeing the dreams of the future up ahead....
Trying so very much to be present, right here and now, feeling the feelings, exploring heart and soul, and not jump ahead too much.
It should be a sign that i didn't feel this much chemistry and magic with ANYONE else I went out with in the last few months. It just wasn't there, even if i TRIED to create it, or justify it's absence with qualifications. With him...it was there, from the first minute i looked at him, even if i tried to IGNORE it...but it wouldn't be squealched.
I'm on fire.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Falling or Floating
I'm definately falling for my bluegrass sweetheart. He's awsome, in so many ways. We've spent quite a lot of time together this week, between lunch dates and an hour here and there before or after working, and late night fone calls.
Finding we have so much in common, interests, thoughts, feelings...even though our backgrounds and our walk through life UP to now has been very different. I feel a bit like I'm spinning out of control, a dizzy, warm , excited feeling.
We've been very diligent about keeping our heads, and arent moving too fast (well..physically anyway, my heart will have none of that slow stuff...)
We spent the morning together before heading off to work, chatting as the sun rose. Talking about how much we both want to go out hiking and camping, and travelling, what we want in life, and in relationship. He's sang me songs, I've read him poems, we've kissed, we've held hands...
falling is like this....
he says, dont fall, just float down, and we'll land softly.
He has such a sweet smile, and amazing eyes...I just get lost in them....
I'm excited and happy and giddy and amazed.
We're going to have breakfast together tomorrow, begals! Yum!
Finding we have so much in common, interests, thoughts, feelings...even though our backgrounds and our walk through life UP to now has been very different. I feel a bit like I'm spinning out of control, a dizzy, warm , excited feeling.
We've been very diligent about keeping our heads, and arent moving too fast (well..physically anyway, my heart will have none of that slow stuff...)
We spent the morning together before heading off to work, chatting as the sun rose. Talking about how much we both want to go out hiking and camping, and travelling, what we want in life, and in relationship. He's sang me songs, I've read him poems, we've kissed, we've held hands...
falling is like this....
he says, dont fall, just float down, and we'll land softly.
He has such a sweet smile, and amazing eyes...I just get lost in them....
I'm excited and happy and giddy and amazed.
We're going to have breakfast together tomorrow, begals! Yum!
Great Minds think Alike
Funny thing happened just now...
an amazing wonderful magical moment...
i just woke up from falling asleep on the bed smelling him on my pillow after work. ( so tired) and i decided to go out and get the mail....
and saw this absolutely stunning sunset...
ran inside, grabbed the phone to call rudy and tell him to get outside and see the sunset....
and he rang me as i started to dial and said, go outside and see the sunset...
:O
i think it is awsome we both thought of each other when we saw that amazing sight...and wanted to share with each other...
great minds are thinking alike....
:P
an amazing wonderful magical moment...
i just woke up from falling asleep on the bed smelling him on my pillow after work. ( so tired) and i decided to go out and get the mail....
and saw this absolutely stunning sunset...
ran inside, grabbed the phone to call rudy and tell him to get outside and see the sunset....
and he rang me as i started to dial and said, go outside and see the sunset...
:O
i think it is awsome we both thought of each other when we saw that amazing sight...and wanted to share with each other...
great minds are thinking alike....
:P
Sunday, November 06, 2005
The Eucalyptus Tree
Saturday night date with the banjo player.
I continue to be wowed.
We had dinner, watched the new moon set in the west, kissed under a giant eucalyptus tree, and stayed up half the night talking and drinking tea.
WOW.
I can't stop replaying the night over and over in my mind.
I can hardly believe this is happening?!
I continue to be wowed.
We had dinner, watched the new moon set in the west, kissed under a giant eucalyptus tree, and stayed up half the night talking and drinking tea.
WOW.
I can't stop replaying the night over and over in my mind.
I can hardly believe this is happening?!
Friday, November 04, 2005
Out of Left Field
Wow!
WOW!
I've been officially WOWED!
How to begin to explain?
So on Monday, I have this crazy workday of like 12 hrs. So I asked for some help from a coworker, who happens to be free, is Rudy. So I call up Rudy last friday and set it up so we could meet and he could help me get the jobs done in a reasonable time ( 8-5). So we met on monday, ( we'd met once before 6 weeks ago to do ths crzy schedule one other time. We immediately hit it off the first time, but i sort of let it slide and forgot about it) had a begal, and then headed off to work. We hit it off well...again, driving all day in the van and tackling jobs to get them done fast. i hadnt laughe so hard ...in god, i dont know how long. Rudy is a joker, and it was halloween, so i had brought this silly joker hat with me to wear as my costume...
I t kept falling down over my eyes, and he kept saying how cute i looked when it fell down. Then he wore the hat for a while and looked really cute in it too. the chemistry between us was nearly overwhelming. Dont remember feeling this way in...ages....
we finished the day finally, i took him back to his car, and he asked what i was doing on thursday night, i said i didn't know yet, so he invited me to come listen to he and his band play at Nimbus Brewery on thursday, and i said sure!
So, he invited some other coworkers to come down too ( maybe so it would be more comfortable for me?? i get that sense anyway)
so...yeah...tuesday, i left hime a note thanking him for helping me on monday, and he left me back a flirty note with a poem! Then on wednesday we txt messaged all morning, and then met for lunch.
finally thursday night rolls around, and head down to the brewery to hear him play his banjo and have a beer. When he was done playing, he came and talked with me for 2 hours, we flirted, outright definatley flirting ( oh yeah...there was a nother note in my box at work too!) and got a couple of really nice hugs, nice little affectionate gestures, touches, glances. Then he walked me out to the car and asked me out for lunch on saturday.
I'm reeling.... i never saw this one coming...all these damn dates i've been going on, and here he is just being him and i'm on fire..overnight? practically. woah! chemistry is a funny science yes it is.
soooo...who knows what will happen. Supposed to hike with the biker rock climber guy tomorrow. See how that goes...now that everything is complicated and EXCITING!
WOW!
I've been officially WOWED!
How to begin to explain?
So on Monday, I have this crazy workday of like 12 hrs. So I asked for some help from a coworker, who happens to be free, is Rudy. So I call up Rudy last friday and set it up so we could meet and he could help me get the jobs done in a reasonable time ( 8-5). So we met on monday, ( we'd met once before 6 weeks ago to do ths crzy schedule one other time. We immediately hit it off the first time, but i sort of let it slide and forgot about it) had a begal, and then headed off to work. We hit it off well...again, driving all day in the van and tackling jobs to get them done fast. i hadnt laughe so hard ...in god, i dont know how long. Rudy is a joker, and it was halloween, so i had brought this silly joker hat with me to wear as my costume...
I t kept falling down over my eyes, and he kept saying how cute i looked when it fell down. Then he wore the hat for a while and looked really cute in it too. the chemistry between us was nearly overwhelming. Dont remember feeling this way in...ages....
we finished the day finally, i took him back to his car, and he asked what i was doing on thursday night, i said i didn't know yet, so he invited me to come listen to he and his band play at Nimbus Brewery on thursday, and i said sure!
So, he invited some other coworkers to come down too ( maybe so it would be more comfortable for me?? i get that sense anyway)
so...yeah...tuesday, i left hime a note thanking him for helping me on monday, and he left me back a flirty note with a poem! Then on wednesday we txt messaged all morning, and then met for lunch.
finally thursday night rolls around, and head down to the brewery to hear him play his banjo and have a beer. When he was done playing, he came and talked with me for 2 hours, we flirted, outright definatley flirting ( oh yeah...there was a nother note in my box at work too!) and got a couple of really nice hugs, nice little affectionate gestures, touches, glances. Then he walked me out to the car and asked me out for lunch on saturday.
I'm reeling.... i never saw this one coming...all these damn dates i've been going on, and here he is just being him and i'm on fire..overnight? practically. woah! chemistry is a funny science yes it is.
soooo...who knows what will happen. Supposed to hike with the biker rock climber guy tomorrow. See how that goes...now that everything is complicated and EXCITING!
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Catching Up
Hrm yeah, so it's been an eventual week and I haven't kept up here. I've made a resolution to stay OFF the internet/computer as much as is possible so I dont waste time with inane useless websurfing.
So the hike with mr potential..well...hrm..maybe not. He put on shades and clammed up halfway through, and I was rather appalled by the way he swatted at the bees and professed he wanted them to die.
ACK!
Not to mention he hasn't bothered to call since then. Oh well...such is life.
The week kept me busy at work, even including on friday which was supposed to be off, but i ended up doing paperwork all morning long at the office.
On Wednesday I went on a bike ride with another new dude. Yah..where the heck am I meeting all these dudes? * usually online* I dont go to bars or parties and such...so...
anyway, we rode our bikes and seemed to hit it off fairly well, with plans to go hike and eat sushi this coming week! He's pretty cute, in a way I NEVER dreamed I'd find someone attractive...but..alas...he is. And he rides a bike too! COOL!
We'll see how it all goes this week, when we have real face to face time hiking and at dinner(which hopefully won't include wanting to kill harmless bugs doing their bug thing, or chopping at cactus or anything).
He was going out of town for the weekend, and thought enough of me to send me a little text message when he got off the plane. *Be still my fluttering heart!*
Cyndy left town and I cleaned up her place yesterday after spending the morning at a class with Quynn Elizabeth at the Institute for the Shamanic Arts. I got so much good information during my work there this weekend, mostly revolving around my insecurity based on things JOSH said to me. His words were literally Poison to me, and I have to find the way to transmute the poison.
Today I got up at 7 and ran out the door to do a hike, and decided to try Blackett's Ridge at Sabino Canyon for a change. Quite the uphill battle, I got nice and sweaty and tired, but it was a good workout and great views of the valley.
Once I headed home I set to work making lipbalms for the holiday season, cinnamon sin and chocolate decadence, again this year. I got the cocoa to make the spicy southwestern hot cocoa, though i'm waiting for cinnamon to arrive in the mail to make it...
I figure by the end of the week I'll have my holiday products ready to sell and unveil to the public. HOping that i'll make as much as i did last year!
I'm tired. I think I'm gonna nap before I head to a friends house for girls movie night in.
*hopeful and happy and tired and productive*
So the hike with mr potential..well...hrm..maybe not. He put on shades and clammed up halfway through, and I was rather appalled by the way he swatted at the bees and professed he wanted them to die.
ACK!
Not to mention he hasn't bothered to call since then. Oh well...such is life.
The week kept me busy at work, even including on friday which was supposed to be off, but i ended up doing paperwork all morning long at the office.
On Wednesday I went on a bike ride with another new dude. Yah..where the heck am I meeting all these dudes? * usually online* I dont go to bars or parties and such...so...
anyway, we rode our bikes and seemed to hit it off fairly well, with plans to go hike and eat sushi this coming week! He's pretty cute, in a way I NEVER dreamed I'd find someone attractive...but..alas...he is. And he rides a bike too! COOL!
We'll see how it all goes this week, when we have real face to face time hiking and at dinner(which hopefully won't include wanting to kill harmless bugs doing their bug thing, or chopping at cactus or anything).
He was going out of town for the weekend, and thought enough of me to send me a little text message when he got off the plane. *Be still my fluttering heart!*
Cyndy left town and I cleaned up her place yesterday after spending the morning at a class with Quynn Elizabeth at the Institute for the Shamanic Arts. I got so much good information during my work there this weekend, mostly revolving around my insecurity based on things JOSH said to me. His words were literally Poison to me, and I have to find the way to transmute the poison.
Today I got up at 7 and ran out the door to do a hike, and decided to try Blackett's Ridge at Sabino Canyon for a change. Quite the uphill battle, I got nice and sweaty and tired, but it was a good workout and great views of the valley.
Once I headed home I set to work making lipbalms for the holiday season, cinnamon sin and chocolate decadence, again this year. I got the cocoa to make the spicy southwestern hot cocoa, though i'm waiting for cinnamon to arrive in the mail to make it...
I figure by the end of the week I'll have my holiday products ready to sell and unveil to the public. HOping that i'll make as much as i did last year!
I'm tired. I think I'm gonna nap before I head to a friends house for girls movie night in.
*hopeful and happy and tired and productive*
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Saturday in the Park
I can't believe how TIRED I was Friday. I worked 8 hrs, and running on 4 hrs of sleep didn't help matters. By the end of the day I had crashed and burned....
it was all i could do to get some dinner ( Ting and I ordered out from Fiorito's, i got some lasanga and a salad) and then crawl into bed. i was too tired to even read....
But i slept like a rock, and woke up this morning refreshed and ready for a nice bike ride in the cool fall morning.
So , I made buckwheat pancakes for breakfast, with blueberry topping. I've really been into buckwheat as of late. Nice alternative flour for baking with, which is gluten free. It has more character than wheat flour...earthy, dark...quite delicious with molasses! So after i ate my pancakes, it was out on the bike.
Returned home, showered, ate lunch, and then headed to the park to visit my friend Yael, who brought potato chips to share, and I brought a container of iced fruity herbal tea. A combination of lemongrass, hibiscus, shizandra berry, elderberry, and anise hyssop made a delightful afternoon beverage.
We sat under a tree and talked, and then walked down the street to Seven Cups, the chinese tea place and ate Yomogi ( mugwort and aduki bean treats.)
When I came home again, Ting was cooking a roast pork loin! Yummy!
Firmed up plans with Travis to hike in the morning (fingers crossed all goes well!) and then headed over to visit my friend cyndy who is going back to berkeley next week. I'm gonna help her clean her house after she leaves and she gave me some food she had in her pantry she doesnt want to move with. Free bread, arugula pesto, beans...good stuff. Free food is always good. i might make a sweet potato pie with the goodies i got. Need a pie crust though.
I'm excited to hike tomorrow with Travis B. We'll see how he really acts out in the woods with me....it will be revealing anyway. I thought it would be fun to invite him to carve pumpkins with me this friday, but then i remembered him saying that he and sharp objects are rather dangerous together...maybe i should just carve HIM a pumpkin??
it was all i could do to get some dinner ( Ting and I ordered out from Fiorito's, i got some lasanga and a salad) and then crawl into bed. i was too tired to even read....
But i slept like a rock, and woke up this morning refreshed and ready for a nice bike ride in the cool fall morning.
So , I made buckwheat pancakes for breakfast, with blueberry topping. I've really been into buckwheat as of late. Nice alternative flour for baking with, which is gluten free. It has more character than wheat flour...earthy, dark...quite delicious with molasses! So after i ate my pancakes, it was out on the bike.
Returned home, showered, ate lunch, and then headed to the park to visit my friend Yael, who brought potato chips to share, and I brought a container of iced fruity herbal tea. A combination of lemongrass, hibiscus, shizandra berry, elderberry, and anise hyssop made a delightful afternoon beverage.
We sat under a tree and talked, and then walked down the street to Seven Cups, the chinese tea place and ate Yomogi ( mugwort and aduki bean treats.)
When I came home again, Ting was cooking a roast pork loin! Yummy!
Firmed up plans with Travis to hike in the morning (fingers crossed all goes well!) and then headed over to visit my friend cyndy who is going back to berkeley next week. I'm gonna help her clean her house after she leaves and she gave me some food she had in her pantry she doesnt want to move with. Free bread, arugula pesto, beans...good stuff. Free food is always good. i might make a sweet potato pie with the goodies i got. Need a pie crust though.
I'm excited to hike tomorrow with Travis B. We'll see how he really acts out in the woods with me....it will be revealing anyway. I thought it would be fun to invite him to carve pumpkins with me this friday, but then i remembered him saying that he and sharp objects are rather dangerous together...maybe i should just carve HIM a pumpkin??
Friday, October 21, 2005
Meeting...FINALLY!
So i finally actually really got to meet this guy i've been so excited about for weeks. I tried to get hime to meet me at the park, but he was thirsty after going to a follow up interview, so we went to Ike's coffe and tea instead, sat on cushy chairs and talked for two hours.
:)
i think it went well...it's always interesting to put an acutal person to the voice and thoughts ....
i don't think i got that big toothy grin i was hoping to see though. i think he was a little nervous? i suppose i was a bit nervous too...
he's very tall!! looks like his pictures.
he said i looked like my pictures as well...which is good. josh always told me i looked different than my pictures in RL. RHMPH!
so we shook hands at the end of the night, i think though we wanted to hug, but....niether of us made the move to do so...ah well
so off he went to do his errands, and me to my journey circle downtown...
when i finished i texted him on the phone, saying it was nice to meet, and that i thought it went well. he txt back agreeing. Then when i got home i had to ask..."so i ' m not too much of a hippy fo ryou am i?" he called, and laughed and said no.
hrm, and THEN...we talked until 1 am.
YIKES!
so he said he thought my big long braid was actually very sexy! :P
so yeah, it went well..finally...after all this anticipation...he thought i was sexy...
he has really nice eyes, and probably a nice smile, but i couldn't tell, he didn't smile big for me yet. though i thought he could have longer hair ( more fun to play with?)
so i wonder how outdoorsy he really is. he SAYS he's into it....
we'll try to hike this weekend...
ok...so..mr. potential is finally more than just a ghost on the phone.
( can't beleve we talked for 4 hrs afterward last night!)
:)
i think it went well...it's always interesting to put an acutal person to the voice and thoughts ....
i don't think i got that big toothy grin i was hoping to see though. i think he was a little nervous? i suppose i was a bit nervous too...
he's very tall!! looks like his pictures.
he said i looked like my pictures as well...which is good. josh always told me i looked different than my pictures in RL. RHMPH!
so we shook hands at the end of the night, i think though we wanted to hug, but....niether of us made the move to do so...ah well
so off he went to do his errands, and me to my journey circle downtown...
when i finished i texted him on the phone, saying it was nice to meet, and that i thought it went well. he txt back agreeing. Then when i got home i had to ask..."so i ' m not too much of a hippy fo ryou am i?" he called, and laughed and said no.
hrm, and THEN...we talked until 1 am.
YIKES!
so he said he thought my big long braid was actually very sexy! :P
so yeah, it went well..finally...after all this anticipation...he thought i was sexy...
he has really nice eyes, and probably a nice smile, but i couldn't tell, he didn't smile big for me yet. though i thought he could have longer hair ( more fun to play with?)
so i wonder how outdoorsy he really is. he SAYS he's into it....
we'll try to hike this weekend...
ok...so..mr. potential is finally more than just a ghost on the phone.
( can't beleve we talked for 4 hrs afterward last night!)
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Silly Sunburn!!
So, today was such a georgeous day, I had to play hookey from work.
well , not exactly. I got up and went to work, and worked half the day, but started having a major sciatica nerve flare up. Trying to pick up watering cans caused my back to cascade in spasms of agony.
Hmmm..yeah...NOT good. So i called in sick, and left for home. I got home, and thought, ok..nice day, i NEED to get outside. Hrm, riding my bike would keep me off my feet, right??
It would be OK?
So, i pulled out my bike and put on my cute blue tank top jersey, perfect for fall days. But I forgot about the sun...even in october, the sun is strong...and silly me, forgot to screen up my back in my cute exposed tank.
I rode hard for two hours, really feeling good and strong and energetic, and enjoying the weather...out broadway, up freeman, down Old spanish trail , back to broadway home....
well two hours in the sun...and my back is FRIED!
i haven't let myself burn in such fashion since i was a kid. REALLY! I'm religious about sunscreen, and I'm not religious about too many things....
It's rather painful and hot..and i've been smearing myself with calendula st johns cream and aloe vera based cool cream from the fridge.
It is soothing, and keeps the skin nice and moist. but good greif girl! what a foolish move!!
( oh, and that sciatica? didn't bother me ON the ride, but at the store afterward....it kicked in again. This could be a long day tomorrow.)
well , not exactly. I got up and went to work, and worked half the day, but started having a major sciatica nerve flare up. Trying to pick up watering cans caused my back to cascade in spasms of agony.
Hmmm..yeah...NOT good. So i called in sick, and left for home. I got home, and thought, ok..nice day, i NEED to get outside. Hrm, riding my bike would keep me off my feet, right??
It would be OK?
So, i pulled out my bike and put on my cute blue tank top jersey, perfect for fall days. But I forgot about the sun...even in october, the sun is strong...and silly me, forgot to screen up my back in my cute exposed tank.
I rode hard for two hours, really feeling good and strong and energetic, and enjoying the weather...out broadway, up freeman, down Old spanish trail , back to broadway home....
well two hours in the sun...and my back is FRIED!
i haven't let myself burn in such fashion since i was a kid. REALLY! I'm religious about sunscreen, and I'm not religious about too many things....
It's rather painful and hot..and i've been smearing myself with calendula st johns cream and aloe vera based cool cream from the fridge.
It is soothing, and keeps the skin nice and moist. but good greif girl! what a foolish move!!
( oh, and that sciatica? didn't bother me ON the ride, but at the store afterward....it kicked in again. This could be a long day tomorrow.)
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Autumn in the Air
So, i spent the day hiking with another new friend. I noticed that autumn is DEFINATELY in the air now...dried out plants going to rest for the winter, overcast skies....something about the atmosphere is very autumny.
And of course, I'm baking. I made cranberry nut bread last night late late...
i didnt get to meet the guy i'm so excited about yet. Scheduling is just being difficult for us, things keep coming up. I"m guessing he's just busy trying to get settled and moved....but i'm bummed. I'm really looking foward to meeting him...and now, who knows when ...or if?
I'm feeling rather insecure about the whole business now...maybe he doesn't want to meet me after all... ( is that why he hasn't called?)
i can see some potential with the guy i was out with today...but it will take time time time...some awkward silences...lots of me asking him questions, not vice versa...
*shrug*
he has a nice smile though. maybe i should cook him dinner.
i have a day at work tomorrow. i dont know what i'll do after....i'm so anxious and wrapped up in meeting guys. Maybe i need to lay off for a while....
* wonder if anyone will ever even TRY to kiss me?*
And of course, I'm baking. I made cranberry nut bread last night late late...
i didnt get to meet the guy i'm so excited about yet. Scheduling is just being difficult for us, things keep coming up. I"m guessing he's just busy trying to get settled and moved....but i'm bummed. I'm really looking foward to meeting him...and now, who knows when ...or if?
I'm feeling rather insecure about the whole business now...maybe he doesn't want to meet me after all... ( is that why he hasn't called?)
i can see some potential with the guy i was out with today...but it will take time time time...some awkward silences...lots of me asking him questions, not vice versa...
*shrug*
he has a nice smile though. maybe i should cook him dinner.
i have a day at work tomorrow. i dont know what i'll do after....i'm so anxious and wrapped up in meeting guys. Maybe i need to lay off for a while....
* wonder if anyone will ever even TRY to kiss me?*
Friday, October 14, 2005
ready, set, go...
so i finally get to meet mr. potential! LOL, yeah, the guy i stayed up all night talking to. FINALLY we get to meet in person. Oh the anticipation has been just killing me.
I like what i know of him so far, on the phone, in pictures, IM....now i just hope it all goes well tomorrow ...
we're going to do a bit of hiking in sabino canyon in the morning. early....:P
I'm too excited...i rEALLY have high hopes for this...i hope not in vain...
I like what i know of him so far, on the phone, in pictures, IM....now i just hope it all goes well tomorrow ...
we're going to do a bit of hiking in sabino canyon in the morning. early....:P
I'm too excited...i rEALLY have high hopes for this...i hope not in vain...
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Comedians and sushi
So tonight, I let myself get taken out on a date, (gee whiz, is that what this was???) by someone MUCH too old for me. *sigh* Very nice guy, we have some things in common, but there is that age difference that really throws me. BUT, we did have a very fun time, went to see a comedian at the university, Steve Hofstetter, the thinking mans comic, www.stevehofstetter.com who was very comical on things political, social and the like. I laughed a lot, even if i wasnt a college kid.
We went and ate sushi afterward and talked a bit. It was nice, got me mind off other things. On another note, I heard from the guy who was supposed to call last night. Turns out he fell asleep early...i know he's probalby busy just moving into town....but still. At least I didnt scare him off... said his aunt had kidnapped him in a txt message, and i responded by asking if i should bring a ransom so we could go out on friday.
The plan is to go on a hike on friday morning, spend some time together and see how it is in person. I'll call him on thursday, but he did say today that he'd call me tomorrow. We'll see if he follows through with that.
I sure hope so!
We went and ate sushi afterward and talked a bit. It was nice, got me mind off other things. On another note, I heard from the guy who was supposed to call last night. Turns out he fell asleep early...i know he's probalby busy just moving into town....but still. At least I didnt scare him off... said his aunt had kidnapped him in a txt message, and i responded by asking if i should bring a ransom so we could go out on friday.
The plan is to go on a hike on friday morning, spend some time together and see how it is in person. I'll call him on thursday, but he did say today that he'd call me tomorrow. We'll see if he follows through with that.
I sure hope so!
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
more strange hours
i just cant seem to sleep the night through anymore.
now they are asking us at work to do things that are going to make my days much longer and harder ( carrying around equipment into every job regardless of weather u need it or not, instead of rnning to the car to get it).
Ugh....i feel like such a slacker...i just want to get my work day FINISHED, done, as quickly as possible....i dont want to go to extra effort. :(
So i was also stood up last night... seemingly really awsome guy whom i've spent quite a lot of time talking to online and on the phone, we were supposed to get together to meet in person. But after telling me he'd call yesterday, he failed to do so, and didnt answer his fone when i tried calling.
GUH! Did he change his mind? Did i do something wrong? Are most guys like that? I'm used to people who do what the say when they say they will. I guess i'd gotten my hopes up a bit too high ( but you know, after talking all night long and having him tell you he was really excited to meet....who wouldn't?)
:(
I guess i should just let it go, and let him call me if he is actually still interested, but i feel this desire to say to him, look, if you changed your mind, just freaking tell me. dont keep me guessing. If you want me to leave you alone i will..just say the word.
communication.
:S
i want to just sleep... instead of feeling so much gd anxiety over my life.
i want to run away.
now they are asking us at work to do things that are going to make my days much longer and harder ( carrying around equipment into every job regardless of weather u need it or not, instead of rnning to the car to get it).
Ugh....i feel like such a slacker...i just want to get my work day FINISHED, done, as quickly as possible....i dont want to go to extra effort. :(
So i was also stood up last night... seemingly really awsome guy whom i've spent quite a lot of time talking to online and on the phone, we were supposed to get together to meet in person. But after telling me he'd call yesterday, he failed to do so, and didnt answer his fone when i tried calling.
GUH! Did he change his mind? Did i do something wrong? Are most guys like that? I'm used to people who do what the say when they say they will. I guess i'd gotten my hopes up a bit too high ( but you know, after talking all night long and having him tell you he was really excited to meet....who wouldn't?)
:(
I guess i should just let it go, and let him call me if he is actually still interested, but i feel this desire to say to him, look, if you changed your mind, just freaking tell me. dont keep me guessing. If you want me to leave you alone i will..just say the word.
communication.
:S
i want to just sleep... instead of feeling so much gd anxiety over my life.
i want to run away.
Monday, October 10, 2005
The Wind in the Willow
Sitting under a waving willow in the canyon yesterday, this came to me.
The River willow writhes gleefully, dancing in the wind.
She tosses her skirts, tresses waving as the wind blows by,
Caressing her as he soars.
Cajoling her into lively abandon,
Ecstatic swaying
Joyful, joyful as the wind
Plays in her hair.
She dances,
Teasing her lover into ever greater passion.
Moaning through the canyons,
Aching to feel her under his touch.
The wind is whispering promises,
The willow sings of sensual sunsets.
Temerously she waits,
Quivering in anticipation
Of his passionate embrace.
The willow awaits her lover, the wind.
The River willow writhes gleefully, dancing in the wind.
She tosses her skirts, tresses waving as the wind blows by,
Caressing her as he soars.
Cajoling her into lively abandon,
Ecstatic swaying
Joyful, joyful as the wind
Plays in her hair.
She dances,
Teasing her lover into ever greater passion.
Moaning through the canyons,
Aching to feel her under his touch.
The wind is whispering promises,
The willow sings of sensual sunsets.
Temerously she waits,
Quivering in anticipation
Of his passionate embrace.
The willow awaits her lover, the wind.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Strange Hours
I'm keeping strange hours of late. Waking in the middle of the night often...as tonight.
I spent last night at Turkey Creek in the Chiricahua mountains with a friend, but she forgot half of her camping gear/food, so we made do with the supplies i had brought (stove, food etc) and stayed for only one night instead of two. Hiked up a STEEP trail, i was so pooped, i thought i would sleep well tonight. I feel asleep early...but here i am...wide awake at 130 am.
I was anxiously waiting to hear from this guy all evening. See, i met this really awsome guy from online, and we ended up talking all night long monday. He just moved himself here this week, to start over from scratch, and we've talked a lot about places to go camping/hiking/exploring etc. But, though i'm VERY interested in him, so far, we have yet to meet in person. We had talked on the phone thursday, and i told him i'd be out of town till sunday afternoon. So when i called yesterday, he wasnt really expecting me to be back. I left a message, but didn't hear back this evening before i slept. I was hoping to arrange an early morning hike ...but now...
i guess it will have to wait. It is only supposed to be in the 80s tomorrow...so an afternoon hike is feasible, if we get in touch with each other early. I have no idea how early is too early to call him again. maybe should wait till lunch time.
*SIGH*
But the potential here is great i think. Last time i was talking allnight with someone...it was josh, when we had first met. Just need to meet in PERSON. all will be well.
If only i could sleep these days!! still feeling carried off by a wave of late...like i dont know where i'm going to, or where i'll end up....
I spent last night at Turkey Creek in the Chiricahua mountains with a friend, but she forgot half of her camping gear/food, so we made do with the supplies i had brought (stove, food etc) and stayed for only one night instead of two. Hiked up a STEEP trail, i was so pooped, i thought i would sleep well tonight. I feel asleep early...but here i am...wide awake at 130 am.
I was anxiously waiting to hear from this guy all evening. See, i met this really awsome guy from online, and we ended up talking all night long monday. He just moved himself here this week, to start over from scratch, and we've talked a lot about places to go camping/hiking/exploring etc. But, though i'm VERY interested in him, so far, we have yet to meet in person. We had talked on the phone thursday, and i told him i'd be out of town till sunday afternoon. So when i called yesterday, he wasnt really expecting me to be back. I left a message, but didn't hear back this evening before i slept. I was hoping to arrange an early morning hike ...but now...
i guess it will have to wait. It is only supposed to be in the 80s tomorrow...so an afternoon hike is feasible, if we get in touch with each other early. I have no idea how early is too early to call him again. maybe should wait till lunch time.
*SIGH*
But the potential here is great i think. Last time i was talking allnight with someone...it was josh, when we had first met. Just need to meet in PERSON. all will be well.
If only i could sleep these days!! still feeling carried off by a wave of late...like i dont know where i'm going to, or where i'll end up....
Sunday, October 02, 2005
On the downward spiral...
While walking to a waterfall, yet undiscovered, I thought about my life...
How I'm falling apart...seams are coming undone.
I feel shattered, my head split asunder....
on the verge of two worlds - a choice must be made.
Do I chose to live in the "Real" world, of shoulds, woulds, coulds...of duties and dutifulness, of jobs, and bills and stifled dreams. My chains are broken, a tamed creature, suddenly let loose into the wild...dont know which way to turn....
Do I chose the life away from this sickening, disheartening, disenchanting, soul draining society? The Path of wildness, of wilderness....of walking in the dark....of feeling, living, caressing the grasses, kissing the stones. would i be running from reality? What is reality anyway? Who made these rules we all live by without question, without choice?
i'm at a juncture, a crossroads, my shamanic death/intiation. seems as if diving into the void is choice i am offered...that, or die. not physically, my body would carry on for another 70 yrs or so, my soul...no, it would die. it would die there on the rocks.... i cant live this life i have built around me.
It is ok to feel the life around me falling apart...the old me is dying anyway...all the things i thought, that i was taught i was supposed to be....the only thing holding me to them was my relationship to one so completely entrenched in that reality. I tried so hard to fit into that reality, i did, and always seemed to fail somehow....i never felt peace, i never felt right in this world....
darkness surrounds...head and heart, split open, dying to the world...spinning down, down, down.
"I'm spiraling down into the dark night of the soul....and so reach out...because i dont know what comes next...i suppose i never did...but the ropes broke loose...nothing left chaining me...so down i go, around and around in the dark womb."
"As I walked yesterday, up the canyon, over the rocks, farther than i'd ever gone before (perhaps just out of habit) I stopped and said hello to my tree, but walked on. I found a waterfall at the end of the canyon and laid down on the bare polished rocks....
feeling like my head, my heart had been split in two, or more pieces....a million pieces....shattered...
it is the beginning ....the ending....going into the dark....hopefully to put myself back together...
For so long the world around me has fed me lines about who and what i should be and do, and there is a part of me that still "believes" that is what i need to do, but there is that part of me that doesn't buy into it, and I dont have any direction now. For so long I've fought tooth and nail to find a way to make my life work , to fit into the "real world" and it's rules and expectations...making money, making a living, contributing to society, being a success... all the while being "happy"
what the hell does that all mean anyway...
but i dotn know...i honestly dont' know what my heart is saying now... i'm ina million pieces. the whole life i've lived up till jnow is in question...
there is nothing holding me now...i'm in free fall...
i've ignored my heart for so long...little things creep out now and then, but i've for so long practised self denial... i lack intimacy with myself, let alone with others, when have i ever opened completely?? perhaps never....
i feel completely lost. i feel like i dont even have the heart for my herb business right now.
I know i have financial chains still...i dont know quite how to break out them....i dont know if i'm supposed to be in this "society" or on the outskirts, or where....
i have so much work to do...i dont even know where to begin....
i need healing, yes, but i need to do more. i feel like i've never truly been the wild woman inside. i've always compromised, complied, even subjugated myself for the sake of...what, others, shoulds, coulds, woulds.... i need to do so much. I feel broken...i feel dried up...like old dried bones
need to sing over the bones...bring her back to life....
and i know it can't be done here, like this, struggling each to make ends meet and make it through one more miserable day.
this just isnt my broken heart ....its been telling me, asking me...what next...what next, for months now. I thought the answer was to "be" an herbalist... it wasn't... it was part of it,,,,the answer wasnt leaving josh...it is part of it...yes, because i'd never free that wild one inside while holding on to the shoulds,c ould s and woulds of this life....it is bigger than that...
th e only way to do it is being alone, not with another who demands thngs from me, when i should be listenign to myself, it is finding myself...being able to hear, to listen, to feel, to act...finding reason, purpose..."
How I'm falling apart...seams are coming undone.
I feel shattered, my head split asunder....
on the verge of two worlds - a choice must be made.
Do I chose to live in the "Real" world, of shoulds, woulds, coulds...of duties and dutifulness, of jobs, and bills and stifled dreams. My chains are broken, a tamed creature, suddenly let loose into the wild...dont know which way to turn....
Do I chose the life away from this sickening, disheartening, disenchanting, soul draining society? The Path of wildness, of wilderness....of walking in the dark....of feeling, living, caressing the grasses, kissing the stones. would i be running from reality? What is reality anyway? Who made these rules we all live by without question, without choice?
i'm at a juncture, a crossroads, my shamanic death/intiation. seems as if diving into the void is choice i am offered...that, or die. not physically, my body would carry on for another 70 yrs or so, my soul...no, it would die. it would die there on the rocks.... i cant live this life i have built around me.
It is ok to feel the life around me falling apart...the old me is dying anyway...all the things i thought, that i was taught i was supposed to be....the only thing holding me to them was my relationship to one so completely entrenched in that reality. I tried so hard to fit into that reality, i did, and always seemed to fail somehow....i never felt peace, i never felt right in this world....
darkness surrounds...head and heart, split open, dying to the world...spinning down, down, down.
"I'm spiraling down into the dark night of the soul....and so reach out...because i dont know what comes next...i suppose i never did...but the ropes broke loose...nothing left chaining me...so down i go, around and around in the dark womb."
"As I walked yesterday, up the canyon, over the rocks, farther than i'd ever gone before (perhaps just out of habit) I stopped and said hello to my tree, but walked on. I found a waterfall at the end of the canyon and laid down on the bare polished rocks....
feeling like my head, my heart had been split in two, or more pieces....a million pieces....shattered...
it is the beginning ....the ending....going into the dark....hopefully to put myself back together...
For so long the world around me has fed me lines about who and what i should be and do, and there is a part of me that still "believes" that is what i need to do, but there is that part of me that doesn't buy into it, and I dont have any direction now. For so long I've fought tooth and nail to find a way to make my life work , to fit into the "real world" and it's rules and expectations...making money, making a living, contributing to society, being a success... all the while being "happy"
what the hell does that all mean anyway...
but i dotn know...i honestly dont' know what my heart is saying now... i'm ina million pieces. the whole life i've lived up till jnow is in question...
there is nothing holding me now...i'm in free fall...
i've ignored my heart for so long...little things creep out now and then, but i've for so long practised self denial... i lack intimacy with myself, let alone with others, when have i ever opened completely?? perhaps never....
i feel completely lost. i feel like i dont even have the heart for my herb business right now.
I know i have financial chains still...i dont know quite how to break out them....i dont know if i'm supposed to be in this "society" or on the outskirts, or where....
i have so much work to do...i dont even know where to begin....
i need healing, yes, but i need to do more. i feel like i've never truly been the wild woman inside. i've always compromised, complied, even subjugated myself for the sake of...what, others, shoulds, coulds, woulds.... i need to do so much. I feel broken...i feel dried up...like old dried bones
need to sing over the bones...bring her back to life....
and i know it can't be done here, like this, struggling each to make ends meet and make it through one more miserable day.
this just isnt my broken heart ....its been telling me, asking me...what next...what next, for months now. I thought the answer was to "be" an herbalist... it wasn't... it was part of it,,,,the answer wasnt leaving josh...it is part of it...yes, because i'd never free that wild one inside while holding on to the shoulds,c ould s and woulds of this life....it is bigger than that...
th e only way to do it is being alone, not with another who demands thngs from me, when i should be listenign to myself, it is finding myself...being able to hear, to listen, to feel, to act...finding reason, purpose..."
Saturday, October 01, 2005
When life makes you bitter...make chocolate cake!
I've been feeling incredibly depressed this week. I saw Josh on Tuesday, and he informed me that he has a new girlfriend.
GUH!
That was a tough blow. I swallowed my tears as best I could, until Wednesday, when I discovered this ugly green monster...you know the one....the jealous bitter venegeful one.
Yeah...reared its ugly little head.
I dont want to be the bitter vengeful jealous ex girlfriend. I don't understand how he can be so OVER us already. Or maybe he's not, maybe he is ignoring the pain...drowning it in someone else? Who knows...but the thoughts I have are downright frightening.
I have to put a lid on this green monster...and fast.
Ting brought me chocolate last night, and I spent the afternoon by a waterfall, laying on the rocks, listening to the sound of water, birds, feeling a cool wind on my skin, sticking my feet in the little pools of cold water.
So...when life makes you bitter, what is a girl to do??? I swear by chocolate to sweeten up the sentiments, so I made Sinful Southwestern Chocolate Cake.
This is a basic chocolate cake, with melted dark chocolate, cinnamon, chiles, cloves, and mesquite flour. YUMMY!
:)
GUH!
That was a tough blow. I swallowed my tears as best I could, until Wednesday, when I discovered this ugly green monster...you know the one....the jealous bitter venegeful one.
Yeah...reared its ugly little head.
I dont want to be the bitter vengeful jealous ex girlfriend. I don't understand how he can be so OVER us already. Or maybe he's not, maybe he is ignoring the pain...drowning it in someone else? Who knows...but the thoughts I have are downright frightening.
I have to put a lid on this green monster...and fast.
Ting brought me chocolate last night, and I spent the afternoon by a waterfall, laying on the rocks, listening to the sound of water, birds, feeling a cool wind on my skin, sticking my feet in the little pools of cold water.
So...when life makes you bitter, what is a girl to do??? I swear by chocolate to sweeten up the sentiments, so I made Sinful Southwestern Chocolate Cake.
This is a basic chocolate cake, with melted dark chocolate, cinnamon, chiles, cloves, and mesquite flour. YUMMY!
:)
Monday, September 26, 2005
Basking like a lizard....
Yesterday, despite all the work i have to do for Desert Medicine Woman Herbals, i decided to take the day off and go for a good hike in the mountains. My friends and I headed up to the top, near Summerhaven and headed down the Sunset trail to Marshall Gulch, and then on to the Wilderness of Rocks trail. It was a good 8 mile round trip that took most of the day.
As I usually do, I stopped to look at plants and take pictures, and found several new plants that I need to indentify. One in particular smelled just like pinapple sage, but it wasn't a salvia at all!
Down in the gulch i found mountains of Arizona Valerian, and so stopped to taste some leaves and dug up a small part of the root. It is so bitter, and so aromatic. hmmmm...and so calming. It was almost hard to hike the rest of the way after munching on that root. Just wanted to stay sitting by the creek under a log on a sunny rock.
Along the trail I also saw cliff full of growing Huechera plants, Alum root. And of course, there were so many big old ponderosa pines just begging to be hugged. Stopped and hugged 3 or 4 of them for several minutes. I know, i 'actually" hug trees?? It isn't just a silly label for an environmentalist? No, i do actually hug trees...have you?? There is something magical about quieting the mind and opening you body and heart to a tree....arms wide open and holding this amazing, huge, ancient living being, pumping life from the ground to the leaves through its sturdy trunk. I could just sink into the trunk of the tree, and feel that life flowing upward through me as well....I tell the tree many things, give my gratitude for its life and presence, and open my heart to feel the tree, and what the tree has to say to me. I come away from a tree hug with peace and renewed strength.
After a long trudge uphill, came to an exposed outcropping of sunbaked granite rocks...these rocks were huge, mostly flat and perfect for shedding layers of clothing and shoes and just bathing in the sun, and soaking in the years of earth energy in the crystals of the rocks, listening to the wind in the trees, with eyes closed.
these are the moments i appreciate so much when i'm outside, when i feel so connected with life, earth and so at peace. i feel that all is right...stress and repetive thoughts fall away out of my head and my mind is quiet and open....
When i came home i shared some posole and pecan pie with my hiking partner, and then headed to casbah to meet a new friend. This guy had just graduated from college, and doesnt have much real world experience. Didn't know how to cook much other than eggs. Hrmmm....
I came home late and headed to bed, tired and ready to drift off into the dreamworld.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Posole and Fall Festivness
I'm definately getting into the mood for fall festiveness!! The fall equinox was on Thursday, and I spent the evening alone in a canyon with my thoughts, the trees, and the setting sun. It was easy to think of all the things that are dying, and returning to the earth with the closure of summer. There are rewards i've harvested this year too, but many things i've had to let go of and let go back to the Mother. As the sun set I sang a song of letting go to the canyon walls.
Tonight, and most of the week i've been feeling autumn approaching. I can tell when i start to crave warm comfort foods, stews, baked squashes, apple pie, apple cider, baked goods, the smell of cinnamon and clove. Yup...my body is definately tuning into the autumn energy.
Tonight, I made homemade Posole for the first time. It isn't complicated, and simply delicious and warming and perfect for autumn in the southwest. Tender chunks of pork, roasted green chiles, hardy posole corn...in a rich broth, served with warm corn tortillas and a dallop of sour cream or plain yogurt.
I actually made a huge pot of this stew, and since no one was able to join me for dinner for the evening, I put half of it in a freezer container to defrost some wintery cold night when i dont feel like cooking! It will make a super breakfast too, with scrambled eggs and potatoes.
After dinner I broke out the fall decorations, orange candles, leafy garlands of orange and red, bundles of multicolored indian corn....
I do so love autumn! Soon mulled cider to warm the mornings...and pumpkins...and PUMPKIN PIE!!!
Tonight, and most of the week i've been feeling autumn approaching. I can tell when i start to crave warm comfort foods, stews, baked squashes, apple pie, apple cider, baked goods, the smell of cinnamon and clove. Yup...my body is definately tuning into the autumn energy.
Tonight, I made homemade Posole for the first time. It isn't complicated, and simply delicious and warming and perfect for autumn in the southwest. Tender chunks of pork, roasted green chiles, hardy posole corn...in a rich broth, served with warm corn tortillas and a dallop of sour cream or plain yogurt.
I actually made a huge pot of this stew, and since no one was able to join me for dinner for the evening, I put half of it in a freezer container to defrost some wintery cold night when i dont feel like cooking! It will make a super breakfast too, with scrambled eggs and potatoes.
After dinner I broke out the fall decorations, orange candles, leafy garlands of orange and red, bundles of multicolored indian corn....
I do so love autumn! Soon mulled cider to warm the mornings...and pumpkins...and PUMPKIN PIE!!!
Sadness
Tonight, I'm feeling a bit sad and lonely. Melancholy and feeling the loss of relationship in particular. Spending evenings at home alone makes me prone to feeling the loss more. Usually I'm too busy to mope, but I'm too pooped out to do much of anything else tonight.
I picked up my rooom a bit, organized some papers, had some junk food dinner with my roomate, and watched a funky movie called "saved" with that macauly kid from Home Alone. He grew up...it was a wierd teen flick about born again christian teens....rhm....and the rebel teens who break all the rules. Humorous, but frightening at the same time.
I rode my bike this morning, 40 miles *pant pant pant* I haven't ridden that far in months...but i figure if i can ride 40 on no training at all..i SHOULD be able to ride 60 with some training come november and el tour de tucson. Just have to raise 100$ to pay the entry fee....
I'm going birding tomorrow with a friend in the morning. Will be the first time for me actually looking for birds, though i've hung around a few bird loving types recently. Probably do me well to learn the birds and the songs....
I think i'll retire to bed now....i have an early morning, and i'm bumming...
good night!
I picked up my rooom a bit, organized some papers, had some junk food dinner with my roomate, and watched a funky movie called "saved" with that macauly kid from Home Alone. He grew up...it was a wierd teen flick about born again christian teens....rhm....and the rebel teens who break all the rules. Humorous, but frightening at the same time.
I rode my bike this morning, 40 miles *pant pant pant* I haven't ridden that far in months...but i figure if i can ride 40 on no training at all..i SHOULD be able to ride 60 with some training come november and el tour de tucson. Just have to raise 100$ to pay the entry fee....
I'm going birding tomorrow with a friend in the morning. Will be the first time for me actually looking for birds, though i've hung around a few bird loving types recently. Probably do me well to learn the birds and the songs....
I think i'll retire to bed now....i have an early morning, and i'm bumming...
good night!
Friday, September 23, 2005
Singing to the Canyon
Today, I sang to the canyon....at the top of my lungs, and listened to the canyon walls singing back at me! Oooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.
:)
It made me so happy, and it so freeing to open up your mouth and SING!
I felt i said hello and goodbye to the walls of the canyon as never before. We communicated more than ever...as the sun went down, dusk fell and the birds began their twilight songs.
Ahhh....
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Bad Plant Mommy
I'm a bad plant mommy!! I've neglected my plants all week long and some were wilted beyond belief, though i hope not beyond repair.... so so bad!!!
:(
THis week has been insanely busy, though i'm not entirely sure why. Having my mom as company over the weekend did throw off my usual schedule....
havent' been able to ride my bike at all this week either. Though i plan to go thursday and friday morning. Maybe sunday, but i might just hike on sunday.
I'm planning to on a hike tomorrow evening at sunset, to get some quiet time outside at the end of my work week. I happen to have friday off, since my monday was an insane mishmash of rotating 14 day, 10 day, and weekly schedules all coinciding on one day.
My roomate is making chinese dinner tonight, congee and little bok choi type vegetables, with "thousand year old eggs" :) sounds wierd eh?? But i'm excited to try it!!
On other positive notes, I got an e mail this week from a publisher in town, whose interested in having me submit a proposal for a small gifty type book on southwestern Herbs!! COOL no!!
So i've got to do a one page synopsis for her and get it out to her ASAP....along with my much delayed seasonal newsletter. Today was the equinox too...and i haven't celebrated it at all. I guess tomorrow night's hike might have to do.
I did invite along the guy i went to mexico with, but i dont know if he will come or not....so, if not, i'll just make it my own personal equinox hike. maybe bring my drum along too...
:)
I hope to make posole this weekend too!!
:(
THis week has been insanely busy, though i'm not entirely sure why. Having my mom as company over the weekend did throw off my usual schedule....
havent' been able to ride my bike at all this week either. Though i plan to go thursday and friday morning. Maybe sunday, but i might just hike on sunday.
I'm planning to on a hike tomorrow evening at sunset, to get some quiet time outside at the end of my work week. I happen to have friday off, since my monday was an insane mishmash of rotating 14 day, 10 day, and weekly schedules all coinciding on one day.
My roomate is making chinese dinner tonight, congee and little bok choi type vegetables, with "thousand year old eggs" :) sounds wierd eh?? But i'm excited to try it!!
On other positive notes, I got an e mail this week from a publisher in town, whose interested in having me submit a proposal for a small gifty type book on southwestern Herbs!! COOL no!!
So i've got to do a one page synopsis for her and get it out to her ASAP....along with my much delayed seasonal newsletter. Today was the equinox too...and i haven't celebrated it at all. I guess tomorrow night's hike might have to do.
I did invite along the guy i went to mexico with, but i dont know if he will come or not....so, if not, i'll just make it my own personal equinox hike. maybe bring my drum along too...
:)
I hope to make posole this weekend too!!
Monday, September 19, 2005
Celebrations
Last night my mom, who drove down to Tucson, to visit me this weekend, celebrated her Croning, with me and some friends down here. There was of course food, fizzy drinks, drumming and firelight under the full moon. Today is her birthday...I unfortunately I had to work all day long, but we're going out to celebrate tonight at a new restaurant, called Acacia.
The weather got hot again. I was going to try to do evening hikes this week, but....100 plus degrees deters me still...even though it cools off at night. I'm hoping to get up into the Pinaleno Mtns one more time before winter comes.
The weather got hot again. I was going to try to do evening hikes this week, but....100 plus degrees deters me still...even though it cools off at night. I'm hoping to get up into the Pinaleno Mtns one more time before winter comes.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Wednesday wednesday...
It's wednesday...that means it is the middle of the week...the work week is half way done!
It also means i start work at 7 am. Bleh...but then i get done around 1...so i wont complain TOO much.
I have friday off this week, Horaay! and mY mom is coming to visit me. Hooray!
What else is new. I'm pondering the idea of actually signing up for el tour de tucson again this year. But perhaps the 67 mile ride, NOT the 111 mile one. I'm not prepared to train THAT much. but if i do sign up, i need to get my rear in gear and RIDE! That means i need to ride on weekends too, long.
Getting up early is still challenging, but it is getting cooler at night now, so evening rides are possible.
Who knows...it is on my mind....along with perhaps searching for a new job?
it is a thought.
It also means i start work at 7 am. Bleh...but then i get done around 1...so i wont complain TOO much.
I have friday off this week, Horaay! and mY mom is coming to visit me. Hooray!
What else is new. I'm pondering the idea of actually signing up for el tour de tucson again this year. But perhaps the 67 mile ride, NOT the 111 mile one. I'm not prepared to train THAT much. but if i do sign up, i need to get my rear in gear and RIDE! That means i need to ride on weekends too, long.
Getting up early is still challenging, but it is getting cooler at night now, so evening rides are possible.
Who knows...it is on my mind....along with perhaps searching for a new job?
it is a thought.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Weekend trip to Sonora
So, I got to make a trip down to Sonora, Mexico this weekend to see an amazing riparian canyon that was full of an astounding mix of Sonoran desert and tropical thornscrub plants, and the riparian lushness of perennial flowing water. I'm not much of a birder myself yet, as I couldn't tell you a raven from a crow, BUT I went along with some pretty experienced birders who got to see a lot of amazing birds too in this place. We left Tucson in the late afternoon and drove down and arrived late to our rondevouz point. We set up camp next to a little pond/lake, ate dinner and fled from the mosquitos.
We were up early the next day to hike into canyon while it was still cool outside. I woke up to a soaking wet sleeping bag. I spent the night outside, without my tent, and sweat my brains out in the bag, it was so warm, but talk about tropical moisture in the air. The water condensed on all surfaces in a thick, wet coat. Of course, it meant it was going to be muggy later on.
We saw some amazing plants too, flowers, butterflies....passionflower, wild chiltepines, bursera, lysiloma trees, even palms, rock figs and organ pipe cactus.
I dozed in the curve of a rock and then when we hiked back to the cars we all took a swim in the lake to cool off. Talk about a nice way to spend the weekend! To top it off, the guy who invited me along is really awsome. Really knowledgable about plants, and birds and all things of the Sonoran desert, really attractive, and REALLY nice. I'm definatley into him.
Sonoran Thornscrub on a hillside
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Late Summer Rain
Last night, I spent a couple of hours making an awsome italian white bean soup with potatoes and kale and sausage for dinner. my guests, a friend of mine, and a classmate of Ting's both bailed on us at th elast minute.
I guess that means more food for us. Which is good, since it was amazing soup! I've outdone myself!
i had a few too many drinks though, and went to bed and didn't sleep a wink really.
A big jar of black tea with ginger came with me today on my travels out to three points and then to the dentist.
i"m done with fillings for the time being, but still need a couple of crowns and my wisdom teeth pulled...ick!
For dinner tonight Ting and I went to her friend Steve's house, and he grilled yams and pork loin . Pretty good eats...
I was invited on a little trip down to mexico for quick trip to a wild canyon with lots of plants this weekend, and will be leaving late tomorrow afternoon. I'm stoked. Not only do i get to go see plants and get out in soem wild beautiful country, but i'm going with a really cool guy who is into native plants and nature, and will get to meet some other naturey type folk. and get to be in mexico. maybe put that 8 yrs of spanish back to work for a while.
It rained today, much unexpectedly, on my part. monsoon season is mostly over, but there were clouds building up in the east, and by 4 pm it was dumping buckets of water over central tucson. I got soaked in teh 30 seconds it took to walk to my car from the building i was in. I LOVE it when it rains here. i dont mind getting wet at all....such a gift to hav ethe rain...i'd love to dance in it, and let rain wash over me and make me all wet and alive with feeling it.
I guess that means more food for us. Which is good, since it was amazing soup! I've outdone myself!
i had a few too many drinks though, and went to bed and didn't sleep a wink really.
A big jar of black tea with ginger came with me today on my travels out to three points and then to the dentist.
i"m done with fillings for the time being, but still need a couple of crowns and my wisdom teeth pulled...ick!
For dinner tonight Ting and I went to her friend Steve's house, and he grilled yams and pork loin . Pretty good eats...
I was invited on a little trip down to mexico for quick trip to a wild canyon with lots of plants this weekend, and will be leaving late tomorrow afternoon. I'm stoked. Not only do i get to go see plants and get out in soem wild beautiful country, but i'm going with a really cool guy who is into native plants and nature, and will get to meet some other naturey type folk. and get to be in mexico. maybe put that 8 yrs of spanish back to work for a while.
It rained today, much unexpectedly, on my part. monsoon season is mostly over, but there were clouds building up in the east, and by 4 pm it was dumping buckets of water over central tucson. I got soaked in teh 30 seconds it took to walk to my car from the building i was in. I LOVE it when it rains here. i dont mind getting wet at all....such a gift to hav ethe rain...i'd love to dance in it, and let rain wash over me and make me all wet and alive with feeling it.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Camarones Diablos
Tonight, I felt inspired in the kitchen. In my newfound freedom, I can cook ANYTHING I like...no matter what. I can experiment, make wierd things, and enjoy MORE of the creations that turn out well.
SO...in that light, I decided to make Shrimp Diablo. This is a recreation of Shrimp Diablo that i had in Guerneville, CA. Sonoma County. My ex and I used to visit his mother there, but since she's since moved, and I'm no longer in the family anyway, I doubt I'll be visiting that awsome mexican restaurant any time in the near future. But the shrimp diablo was to die for, served with hot corn tortillas and rice and beans and cold Jarritos soda.
So while scrounging the fridge to figure out what i'd have for dinner, i saw my roomates frozen shrimp....and an idea formed in my head.
With promises to save her some, i asked Ting if I could use her shrimp. SO....into the skillet it went...a pinch of this, and pinch of that....
success!! Shrimp Diablo a la Darcey with wild purslane greens (no beans handy at the moment).
Shrimp Diablo
2 tbsp butter
4 cloves garlic
1/2 diced red bell pepper
1 tsp each of cumin and coriander seeds, ground fine
1/4 tsp oregano leaf
1/4 tsp del arbol HOT chile powder
1/2 tsp Santa Cruz MILD chile powder
salt to taste
12 shrimp ( i used the kind with the shell still on. save yourself the trouble by buying shelled shrimp)
3/4 c strained diced canned tomatoes
splash of lime juice
6 corn tortillas, heated
Melt butter in skillet ( i like to use cast iron) and sautee garlic, spices and bell peppers for 7-10 minutes on medium low heat. Add shrimp and cook, stirring frequently for 5 min. Add the tomatoes and cook for an additional 5 minutes. If you like it a bit saucier, dont strain your tomatoes before adding them. Add salt and black pepper to taste. splash with lime juice before serving, or garnish each plate with wedge of lime for splashing on as needed.
Serve hot over the warm tortillas. Warning, this is addictively good, this will serve two, but if your hungry, or uncontrollable, you'll finish this much by yourself. Also, warning,...this is spicy...it is shrimp diablo after all! You can adjust the heat level if you want to tone it down or tone it up. These are rough estimates anyway on quantity, since i tend toward a pinch of this and a dash of that.
Cayenne and paprika will work in place of the chile powders i used, which are available at Native Seeds/Search www.nativeseeds.org. In fact, I bet even tapatio hot sauce would do in a pinch....
SO...in that light, I decided to make Shrimp Diablo. This is a recreation of Shrimp Diablo that i had in Guerneville, CA. Sonoma County. My ex and I used to visit his mother there, but since she's since moved, and I'm no longer in the family anyway, I doubt I'll be visiting that awsome mexican restaurant any time in the near future. But the shrimp diablo was to die for, served with hot corn tortillas and rice and beans and cold Jarritos soda.
So while scrounging the fridge to figure out what i'd have for dinner, i saw my roomates frozen shrimp....and an idea formed in my head.
With promises to save her some, i asked Ting if I could use her shrimp. SO....into the skillet it went...a pinch of this, and pinch of that....
success!! Shrimp Diablo a la Darcey with wild purslane greens (no beans handy at the moment).
Shrimp Diablo
2 tbsp butter
4 cloves garlic
1/2 diced red bell pepper
1 tsp each of cumin and coriander seeds, ground fine
1/4 tsp oregano leaf
1/4 tsp del arbol HOT chile powder
1/2 tsp Santa Cruz MILD chile powder
salt to taste
12 shrimp ( i used the kind with the shell still on. save yourself the trouble by buying shelled shrimp)
3/4 c strained diced canned tomatoes
splash of lime juice
6 corn tortillas, heated
Melt butter in skillet ( i like to use cast iron) and sautee garlic, spices and bell peppers for 7-10 minutes on medium low heat. Add shrimp and cook, stirring frequently for 5 min. Add the tomatoes and cook for an additional 5 minutes. If you like it a bit saucier, dont strain your tomatoes before adding them. Add salt and black pepper to taste. splash with lime juice before serving, or garnish each plate with wedge of lime for splashing on as needed.
Serve hot over the warm tortillas. Warning, this is addictively good, this will serve two, but if your hungry, or uncontrollable, you'll finish this much by yourself. Also, warning,...this is spicy...it is shrimp diablo after all! You can adjust the heat level if you want to tone it down or tone it up. These are rough estimates anyway on quantity, since i tend toward a pinch of this and a dash of that.
Cayenne and paprika will work in place of the chile powders i used, which are available at Native Seeds/Search www.nativeseeds.org. In fact, I bet even tapatio hot sauce would do in a pinch....
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Playing the Guitar
Now that I have so much more time alone on my hands these days, I decided to pick up the guitar again. Yeah, i've picked up the guitar 3 or 4 times in my life, and got a little better each time I started playing it, but then put it down for whatever reason..too much homework, to hard to travel with....too tired, to involved with other people...
whatever my excuse was...i stopped playing for one reason or another. So, I dusted off the old case of my Estrella classical guitar. The one that my mom learned to play on when she was 19 yrs old, and she met my father when they were camp counselors. I had a picture of them once...my parents as kids, and in love. Sweet.
So this guitar is really old, but really sweet. my momma fixed it up for me years ago...i think as a college going away gift. It's been with me through thick and thin.
I gave away my electronic keyboard this past year to Josh's nephew, thinking i'd probably never use it again, seeing how josh had a nicer one if i WANTED to use it.
Now I have no keyboard...but i still have the 6 string....maybe it's finally time to learn to play enough to have some fun??
It feels like a long way off....since i'm starting at the beginning of book 1 again. But, even though the callouses on my fingers wore off years ago, my finger still remember a few things about playing.
I'd forgotten most of the chords, but remembered most of the single notes, and i can still play the songs i once knew...like TUMBALALAIKA and God rest ye Merry Gentelmen.
I'll breeze through book 1 in no time. 3o minutes a day? like in middle school band??
30 minutes doesn't seem too much to ask, considering how many minutes i waste checking e mail incessantly.
I decided this weekend that i can't squander away my hours off work doing meaningless web surfing and zoning out. I really need to make the most of the time i have to myself, doing things to nurture my heart and spirit, like playing the guitar. which is something Ive ALWAYS wanted to be able to do...to play, and sing my heart out.
Josh just came by on his bike to say hi, and give me a hug. That was nice. He was sweaty and hot. It's 97 degrees out there and he's on his bike. I rode at 530am...it was 77 degrees then. me thinks i got the better deal.
I'm exhausted from my 7 hr work day * for shame* but it's back to work i go. But it's work that i love. I'll be mixing herbal potions. :)
Monday, September 05, 2005
Crying for Mother
Last night I dreamed of my ex, as if we were still together, and running this compound together. Wierd, and then i dreamed i had two evil roomates, who had small children coming over, and I was expecting my own child (pregnant) soon. One of them went into the bathroom to check to make sure it was childproof. Then she proceeded to push all my stuff on top of the toilet off. Fragile things, a mirror, candles, and a really special blue candleholder my mom gave me. It broke into a million pieces on the floor.
i was so upset. I told her that it meant so much to me, because it was a gift from my mother during a time in my life that was so hard, and from which i was still healing from. ( i.e. my breakup in RL). I began crying for my mother....hysterically. I called on the phone, and there was no answer....In my dream my screams and cries were causing these cactus flowers to bloom...
i woke up rather emotional and choked up. what about this crying out for mother and the blooming cactus flower? It ws sort of surrealistic... like a Dali painting.... just these blooming flowers, changing colors and shapes, and me crying out for mother....
was i crying for my biological mother? or was it my earth mother?? Mother....why do we cry out for our mothers so fiercely?? and why was i so upset about the broken candle holder?? because it's a connection to my past? Something i need to let go of perhaps. Were the evil roomates really evil? Or helping me to push away the old , what it not needed, to make room for the new child...the new creations due in my life???
I am having a hard time letting go of the past....i feel like i'm getting worse, not better, in regards to my relatinship ending. I thought progress came in time....but, perhaps progress is ebb and flow? Up and down?
I feel so much greif at the ending of dreams and plans...that were perhaps fantasy anyway... new plans and dreams have yet to be birthed. it feels like a miscarriage...grieving for the promise of the future taken away unexpectedly.
i spent the weekend among the pine trees and flowers at 9000 ft on Mt Graham...i was reminded to be more like a tree....not to forget that trees start out small too, and spend much time rooting deep in the earth before growing tall and spreading their arms. It's time to root deep into the earth, and appreciate each day for the gift that it is.... and greive, and heal, and move on... find my dreams and birth them.... get rid of the old to make room.
i was so upset. I told her that it meant so much to me, because it was a gift from my mother during a time in my life that was so hard, and from which i was still healing from. ( i.e. my breakup in RL). I began crying for my mother....hysterically. I called on the phone, and there was no answer....In my dream my screams and cries were causing these cactus flowers to bloom...
i woke up rather emotional and choked up. what about this crying out for mother and the blooming cactus flower? It ws sort of surrealistic... like a Dali painting.... just these blooming flowers, changing colors and shapes, and me crying out for mother....
was i crying for my biological mother? or was it my earth mother?? Mother....why do we cry out for our mothers so fiercely?? and why was i so upset about the broken candle holder?? because it's a connection to my past? Something i need to let go of perhaps. Were the evil roomates really evil? Or helping me to push away the old , what it not needed, to make room for the new child...the new creations due in my life???
I am having a hard time letting go of the past....i feel like i'm getting worse, not better, in regards to my relatinship ending. I thought progress came in time....but, perhaps progress is ebb and flow? Up and down?
I feel so much greif at the ending of dreams and plans...that were perhaps fantasy anyway... new plans and dreams have yet to be birthed. it feels like a miscarriage...grieving for the promise of the future taken away unexpectedly.
i spent the weekend among the pine trees and flowers at 9000 ft on Mt Graham...i was reminded to be more like a tree....not to forget that trees start out small too, and spend much time rooting deep in the earth before growing tall and spreading their arms. It's time to root deep into the earth, and appreciate each day for the gift that it is.... and greive, and heal, and move on... find my dreams and birth them.... get rid of the old to make room.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Tumamoc Hill Walk
My roomate and I walked up Tumamoc hill at sunset tonight.
As is usual, a stunning light show as the sun dipped below the peaks and illuminated the clouds with pink, orange and purple. I fed my roomate a fresh prickly pear cactus, and we mused on our newly single lifestyle.
The walk was a nice close to a rather tedious and emotionally tumultuous day. I'm in a rut at work, and was feeling miserable and sorry for myself and lonely...but the walk helped to put things in perspective, and to calm a busy mind run amuck. The sunset was so peaceful, so many people out and enjoying the cool evening temperatures. 4 yrs in tucson and i'd never been up there.
I guess it's good to be single. I get to do things with my friends I'd never do with my ex partner.
AND my roomate is an awsome cook, when we came home late, instead of making a roast chicken, she whipped up some awsome chinese noodle soup, with a poached egg, shrimp, and spinach. Spicy too. Started to sweat. Yum!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)