Longing and procrastination

I've been procrastinating for two weeks.  One simple botany lesson. should be easy. I LIKE botany.  I don't like writing it, sitting on the computer to do it.  I'm soooooo distracted.  A million microdistrations turn my days into a useless puddle of wasted time.  Really do i NEED to spend hours agonizing over weather to get a smart phone or not...really. 

When this cycle of online classes is over, i REALLY have to rethink this online teaching thing. its dragging me down....i long for herb walks...

But mostly I'm longing for a lost love.  That crazy banjo player from the desert called me this week.  Such a bittersweet feeling of yearning... I've accepted that I'll always love and want him, and that I may never have it returned to me in the way I want...but I can't let it go... I'll still yearn and long until I die.
It is so easy to talk, to share, to feel- just as if no time had passed, no distance between us, no heartaches and disappointments. I could slip back into that crazy, passionate love affair in an instant.
  Its crazy...in my life I have few friends that I have had for more than a few years.  He is one of the few that has been around the longest in my life, in and out, now and then, coming and going, but its always the same easy conversation, the same fire I can't put out even when I TRY SO HARD to convince myself it is never going to be.  I tell myself to forget it. 
But I don't.    Maybe when we are 75, old and grey, we'll finally find the time and place to be together.  But even then, if not, I don't care. I want him in my life, as a friend, as a part time lover, or...whatever it may be, whatever I can get.

He told me he'd help me learn the play the banjo via Skype, and that he would like to come visit me here someday.  Someday I pray.  Sean said he wouldn't mind if he came to visit.  Its not like any of this is a secret I'm hiding.  There is no guilt. No 'cheating'.  love is indivisible, love is not exclusive/

Its enough to make me want to buy a plane ticket to Arizona for a few weeks, land on my rocky mountain tops, soak in the desert pine tree wind- and be home for a while, and hold him for a few days, if that's all I can have, I'd take it.  But its not practical right now.

Maybe in September when we head to the conference in NM there might be time for a side trip.  But I don't know.  Why am I hatching plans?
The first time he broke my heart, I swore I would love him until my dying day, but I never thought I'd see him again.  I moved away, lost touch.  But he appeared as if conjured by my dreams, and now, even though we're even farther apart than ever before, I know he'll always be in my life somehow.





  

Gaia's Gifts: April Giveaway: Artemis Elixir Tea and 20% off

Gaia's Gifts: April Giveaway: Artemis Elixir Tea and 20% off

and the winner is.....
Rachel of Aspiring Images!!!
(Rachel please contact me with your address so I can send you your tea and coupon!)


Congrats to the winner and stay tuned for a special Beltaine/May Day Giveaway next week!!!

Money talks....

What does it say to you?


 Here's my new money talk.  I need to try to distill this down into one money belief system....but so far, this is what I have.

When I do what I love the money flows to me effortlessly.
I attract abundant customers and clients to myself that honor, respect and meet my financial needs and desires.
When I do what I love and ask for what I need, I receive the money I need to feel secure, have enough to pay my bills, and to take care of my self care, needs and desires.
I enjoy the flow of money to me, through me, and from me.
There is abundant money in my life to support and grow my business, my home, my family, and myself.
I am open and willing to accept the abundance around me and for me in all forms that it comes.
All my needs and desires are met through many means- money, barter, trade, gift and cooperation
I trust that the universe is providing for me completely in all ways.
I release all debt and financial obligations from the past from influencing or controlling my current actions, beliefs, or abundance.
I deserve and allow myself to spend money on self care and self love.

Vision Statement 4/13/11

We do this work because it’s who we are as human beings…it’s our purpose and gift to the world to connect deeply and meaningfully with our inherent wildness within us, wild nature around us and the sacred, magical and beautiful earth, and use our power to create, express and manifest this connection in ways unique to humanity- through music and art and ceremony—we have beautiful and powerful ways of embodying that connection with wildness, with what is whole and sacred. This work makes us whole, sound, ecstatic, joyful and powerful, it heals and wholes us, and the entire sacred, wild Earth & creation around us.

Home sweet home....

Yesterday 3 families came to look at the house we are living in now to rent it from the landlady. It made me sad that we are leaving.  But I just dont' feel sure it is the right place...but?  Maybe it is I should have tried to find a way???
I am having a hard time discerning my depression and loneliness...is it because I'm so far away, or because of winter, or because of ....??   I am feeling somewhat better, taking steps to help myself, coaching has started with lots of material to begin with, lots of long buried and unspoken things brought out, both into conciousness and onto paper, and then taken the spirit world for more help, and healing.  Letting go of ancestral paradoxes, removing the cords that bind my souls to old patterns of the past, and transmuting it with the fire of the stars, and cleansing with the blue fire of the earth.

I felt the unnerving and powerful presence of an otherworld helper very viscerally last night.  (At this point, if you think I'm crazy, well I can't help that, this is my blog, and I'm going to say what I'm going to say.  My spirit work is important to me.)  There was no malice, no danger, but it was that unnerving feeling of someone watching you, someone close, someone in your energy field.  Heat and chills, racing heart.  And I've had this feeling before....when I walk in the woods, once when I was washing dishes.  They are there, making themselves known little by little. Fae ones, earth spirits, the good people.

Today we go look at an apartment in the basement of a house on 25 acres, on a river, greenhouses, raised beds, horses, cats and dogs.  but it is only one bedroom.  Not sure how to make one bedroom work for us, and how to carve out some personal space for myself.  I suppose it could be possible to get some partitions (rice paper or wood?) to block off an area to make it more private.  It will all depend.   If the kitchen is workable (unlike the last place), if it isn't a dungeon down in the basement.  The owners have had very good reviews from friends of Sean's who know them, and the location is good, near to lewiston/auburn, close to the farm where Sean's friend lives, close other other friends in the L/A area, much closer to Augusta, closer to Portland.  Much more proximal to client bases, marketing oppuruntities and community.  The Nezinscot farm where we love to get our locally raised organic grass fed meat, eggs, butter and produce is in the same village as well!! 
All in all on paper it sounds great...my only concern is the one bedroom and the basement.  I dont like to live in darkness...but maybe it is a good stopping place till we find our more long term home?  I hate moving over and over and over tho. I just want to stay somewhere.  Root. Root.Root.

I'm still waiting for my copy of Land of Painted Caves because the saturday mailman doesn't drive up to the house like the regular mail man.  GGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!   And...I have a banjo in the mail!  OMG!  A friend from school in Colorado had one she was willing to sell cheaply to me! I'm super stoked!!  Then I have to start practicing the claw hammer 'bum-ditty"!

A New Offering- Floralia Botanical Photography

After years and years of taking photographs of beautiful flowers and plants, both macro, botanical and artistic, I've decided to open a venue to share these photographs with the world.
FLORALIA

Floralia is both a tribute to the plant world in all their glory, a way to honor and appreciate the healing powers of the plants without harvesting leaf nor bud, and something I love dearly.  I've spent countless hours wandering deserts, forests, rivers, and valleys taking pictures of plants, and find that some of my deepest healing and connection with the plants comes in these times, seeing them through the artistic lens of the camera.
Some plants hide and don't take photographs well when they aren't ready, and others will shine forth brightly, practically begging to be photographed, and shot after shot will turn out perfectly composed.    I hope that you will find something beautiful that speaks to your wild and green heart at Floralia, and know that it supports me both in my work, and my pleasure.

Currently offering 8 x 10 prints of a select number of botanical photographs and photographic art (a photographic image that has been edited software to enhance and create something new and exciting- a revealing of the inner nature of the plant, the moment, or an emotion).

In the future I will be offering small sized prints, some larger sizes, note cards and more.  If you are looking for a specific plant or size photo please contact me. I have thousands of plants in photograph which I can print to order for you.
Here's a small taste of what you will find at Floralia.   
 Please stop by and check out everything I have to offer currently.  New pieces are added regularly!