Longing and procrastination

I've been procrastinating for two weeks.  One simple botany lesson. should be easy. I LIKE botany.  I don't like writing it, sitting on the computer to do it.  I'm soooooo distracted.  A million microdistrations turn my days into a useless puddle of wasted time.  Really do i NEED to spend hours agonizing over weather to get a smart phone or not...really. 

When this cycle of online classes is over, i REALLY have to rethink this online teaching thing. its dragging me down....i long for herb walks...

But mostly I'm longing for a lost love.  That crazy banjo player from the desert called me this week.  Such a bittersweet feeling of yearning... I've accepted that I'll always love and want him, and that I may never have it returned to me in the way I want...but I can't let it go... I'll still yearn and long until I die.
It is so easy to talk, to share, to feel- just as if no time had passed, no distance between us, no heartaches and disappointments. I could slip back into that crazy, passionate love affair in an instant.
  Its crazy...in my life I have few friends that I have had for more than a few years.  He is one of the few that has been around the longest in my life, in and out, now and then, coming and going, but its always the same easy conversation, the same fire I can't put out even when I TRY SO HARD to convince myself it is never going to be.  I tell myself to forget it. 
But I don't.    Maybe when we are 75, old and grey, we'll finally find the time and place to be together.  But even then, if not, I don't care. I want him in my life, as a friend, as a part time lover, or...whatever it may be, whatever I can get.

He told me he'd help me learn the play the banjo via Skype, and that he would like to come visit me here someday.  Someday I pray.  Sean said he wouldn't mind if he came to visit.  Its not like any of this is a secret I'm hiding.  There is no guilt. No 'cheating'.  love is indivisible, love is not exclusive/

Its enough to make me want to buy a plane ticket to Arizona for a few weeks, land on my rocky mountain tops, soak in the desert pine tree wind- and be home for a while, and hold him for a few days, if that's all I can have, I'd take it.  But its not practical right now.

Maybe in September when we head to the conference in NM there might be time for a side trip.  But I don't know.  Why am I hatching plans?
The first time he broke my heart, I swore I would love him until my dying day, but I never thought I'd see him again.  I moved away, lost touch.  But he appeared as if conjured by my dreams, and now, even though we're even farther apart than ever before, I know he'll always be in my life somehow.