On the downward spiral...

While walking to a waterfall, yet undiscovered, I thought about my life...
How I'm falling apart...seams are coming undone.
I feel shattered, my head split asunder....
on the verge of two worlds - a choice must be made.
Do I chose to live in the "Real" world, of shoulds, woulds, coulds...of duties and dutifulness, of jobs, and bills and stifled dreams. My chains are broken, a tamed creature, suddenly let loose into the wild...dont know which way to turn....
Do I chose the life away from this sickening, disheartening, disenchanting, soul draining society? The Path of wildness, of wilderness....of walking in the dark....of feeling, living, caressing the grasses, kissing the stones. would i be running from reality? What is reality anyway? Who made these rules we all live by without question, without choice?

i'm at a juncture, a crossroads, my shamanic death/intiation. seems as if diving into the void is choice i am offered...that, or die. not physically, my body would carry on for another 70 yrs or so, my soul...no, it would die. it would die there on the rocks.... i cant live this life i have built around me.

It is ok to feel the life around me falling apart...the old me is dying anyway...all the things i thought, that i was taught i was supposed to be....the only thing holding me to them was my relationship to one so completely entrenched in that reality. I tried so hard to fit into that reality, i did, and always seemed to fail somehow....i never felt peace, i never felt right in this world....

darkness surrounds...head and heart, split open, dying to the world...spinning down, down, down.

"I'm spiraling down into the dark night of the soul....and so reach out...because i dont know what comes next...i suppose i never did...but the ropes broke loose...nothing left chaining me...so down i go, around and around in the dark womb."

"As I walked yesterday, up the canyon, over the rocks, farther than i'd ever gone before (perhaps just out of habit) I stopped and said hello to my tree, but walked on. I found a waterfall at the end of the canyon and laid down on the bare polished rocks....
feeling like my head, my heart had been split in two, or more pieces....a million pieces....shattered...
it is the beginning ....the ending....going into the dark....hopefully to put myself back together...

For so long the world around me has fed me lines about who and what i should be and do, and there is a part of me that still "believes" that is what i need to do, but there is that part of me that doesn't buy into it, and I dont have any direction now. For so long I've fought tooth and nail to find a way to make my life work , to fit into the "real world" and it's rules and expectations...making money, making a living, contributing to society, being a success... all the while being "happy"
what the hell does that all mean anyway...
but i dotn know...i honestly dont' know what my heart is saying now... i'm ina million pieces. the whole life i've lived up till jnow is in question...
there is nothing holding me now...i'm in free fall...
i've ignored my heart for so long...little things creep out now and then, but i've for so long practised self denial... i lack intimacy with myself, let alone with others, when have i ever opened completely?? perhaps never....
i feel completely lost. i feel like i dont even have the heart for my herb business right now.
I know i have financial chains still...i dont know quite how to break out them....i dont know if i'm supposed to be in this "society" or on the outskirts, or where....
i have so much work to do...i dont even know where to begin....

i need healing, yes, but i need to do more. i feel like i've never truly been the wild woman inside. i've always compromised, complied, even subjugated myself for the sake of...what, others, shoulds, coulds, woulds.... i need to do so much. I feel broken...i feel dried up...like old dried bones
need to sing over the bones...bring her back to life....
and i know it can't be done here, like this, struggling each to make ends meet and make it through one more miserable day.
this just isnt my broken heart ....its been telling me, asking me...what next...what next, for months now. I thought the answer was to "be" an herbalist... it wasn't... it was part of it,,,,the answer wasnt leaving josh...it is part of it...yes, because i'd never free that wild one inside while holding on to the shoulds,c ould s and woulds of this life....it is bigger than that...
th e only way to do it is being alone, not with another who demands thngs from me, when i should be listenign to myself, it is finding myself...being able to hear, to listen, to feel, to act...finding reason, purpose..."