Connection and disappointment

Well I had a lovely, if all too short visit from a friend last night whom I hadnt' seen since September or October, we stayed up too late, laughing, eating, talking.  <3
So grateful for the connection, to know I'm not really alone. To know someone is thinking of me and wishing me well and cares and loves me.  Thank you for that. 

Also had my free session with In Arms Coaching, which was moving, and powerful, definatley some immediately useful insights about what I'm wanting and not wanting.  Sadly tho, I'm 99.9% sure I can't come anywhere near affording the full program. I'm extra dissapointed about it, because it feels like something that could be really helpful to me, but unless I suddenly become a banker or win the lottery,  I don't think I can devote almost half my income to having a life coach.  I mean- eating is pretty high on my priority list.  I'm struggling to make ends meet at all as it is, and I dont see any immediate ways to suddenly have a large cash flow...and if i did, shouldn't some portion of it go towards paying off the interminable ball and chain of debt hanging over my head.  I mean I'm all anxious and waiting for the banking system to collapse and be free of those obligations, but for now, debt is literally the ball and chain that weighs me down year after year.  Two unexpected significant expenses that I cant afford, put on credit, have set me back about two years of payments.   I finally saw progress, and then it evaporated before my eyes in a few short months. 

Screwed is how i feel about that.  An you know, if collapse came today, I probably don't have enough survival skills to really be able to hack it in the world.  I dont own a gun, I don't know how to hunt, I have no garden or stored food, nor a supportive community willing to trade food for skills I do have. 

So, I'd go the way of the dodo in a hurry most likely.   But I got up early today, had a nice visit with my friend, and will force myself to do some yoga, and take a shower.
I decided that I need to give myself more structure, routine and discpline and something simple like taking a shower every day ( which is not something i generall buy into), not even really needing to wash my hair or use soap, but just a daily emotional/spiritual cleansing ritual to separate the work day from the morning might be helpful.  Not being so damn lazy. Get out of my pajamas.  Do something.