when everything isn't enough

and you can't live with the mistakes you've made.  
I should be happy, thrilled, excited, vibrant- my life seems to be exactly where I had dreamed of it being  a year or two ago. Instead- i'm miserable, angry, lashing out, sleeping away the hours as much as I can, crying, guilty.

I have no idea why I'm so depressed. Its going to snow storm- again. fuck. I can't stand any more snow.  Any more winter, any more cold.  Stagnant stuckness.  i miss the winter in arizona.  I miss growing 3 ft tall greens in the winter garden.  I miss the blossoms of spring-little anemone's poking their heads out shyly underneath the rocks.  Now I can barely walk out the yard, up to my hips when i take out the compost.  Not to mention the frigid wind- that howls all the time. Below zero windchill every day.

I'm so desperately lonely out here in the boonies.  Maybe I"m not cut out for the boonies after all...I feel like such an alien in maine. I dont know anyone, I dont belong, I dont know how to function here. I have no friends, no support, no community.

I've made so many decisions i can't go back and change.  did i make the right choices?  can i live with the results.

I feel so crazy, out of control, and somehow not really caring.  I've never felt this bad, at least as far as I can remember. Never for this long.  Its been at least a couple of months now.
I'm so tired of struggling with life,with not enough money,  so tired of working.
I feel so inefficient and unable to get work done, everyday i think I'm going to try to work- and then i melt down and there goes the day...maybe i'm broken,  maybe i need prozac?

I'm not looking for advice, or pity, nor do i want you to tell me which herbs to take to feel better. I know all that shit.  problem is, I just don't really want to try.   I just want to go find a big hole to curl up in for the better part of the year.

I am so so sad.